Hello.

I'm back. I'm starting again. Anew........ Fresh.

I could really use a fresh start. This winter has been a long one and it's not even March. I've got my fingers crossed that the little rodent is right and we're going to have an early SPRING! That would be truly wonderful.

As part of my renewal, I attended a yoga class last night with a dear friend and this was written on the wall near the changing room.

What you practice gets stronger,

What you focus on, gets bigger,

What you keep doing is who you become.

Here's to being the person we want.. need... and were meant........ to be. OH. and Spring? Please come quickly.

Wow.

I am thoroughly awed by this amazing sixth grader. It makes me wonder what I've been doing with my time for the past 35 years........And kind of makes me want to throw out my T.V.

This might be the motivation I needed to get back into the studio.

Because they're important....

We've started a little tradition involving mealtime. Before we dive into our dinner, B, G and I hold hands and share something that we are grateful for. G usually goes first and says something like, "I'm grateful for my dinner, my Dada (and if I'm lucky sometimes), Mama."

Just the act of holding my son and husband's hands and looking into their eyes, has become one of my favorite parts of the day.

Yesterday we had our friends and their two daughters over for a backyard BBQ and we told them about our dinner ritual. They thought it sounded nice so we all held hands and went around the circle. When their 7 year old daughter took her turn, she proudly announced that she was grateful for, "Natural resources." We all paused, taking a moment to ponder this wise statement, and she filled the silence with, "Because they're important."

Looking for answers

Tonight, just after dinner, we saw a rainbow outside the window. Not this one exactly, but one very similar to it. Immediately, I hoped it was an answer. A sign of what to do, signaling an end to this swirling mess of indecision and doubt that has been clouding our time together.

B has the week off from school and almost every moment has been filled with heavy discussions about what to do with our house and consequently, our lives. Renovate and stay? Do the bare minimum and sell? If sell, then where do we move? or Do minimal work and stay, saving money until some great opportunity presents itself?

We are completely perplexed by this situation, which probably means we should just chill out, make minor improvements and wait for some clarity. Right?

Do you ever.......

get the feeling that your life is turning out to be exactly as it should be, yet completely opposite from how you thought it would be?

Having one son, let alone two, just scratches the surface of things that are not as I might have imagined. When my 15...20....25 year old self thought about what my soon to be 35 year old self would be up to, it was so different, yet this feels exactly right.

So much to write about, so little time to write it.

Hmmm. Right you are my son.

I usually drive a 1998 four-door Honda Civic. For the last month I have been driving my husbands car, a Subaru Outback wagon, because it's easier with two kids as it is higher off the ground and has a key ring locking system.

Today, while driving around doing errands, G nicely asked for Elizabeth Mitchell's song, "Little Bird, Little Bird."

I did a quick, superficial scan for the cd and abruptly said, "It's not here honey, it must be in Dad's car."

To which he responded, "But this IS Dad's car, keep looking."

2 is infinitely harder

Both children are sleeping. At. The. Same. Time.

I feel like a deer in the headlights. Afraid to breathe, afraid to move, for I might alert them to my presence and interrupt this perfect peacefulness.

How did I ever think that having one was hard?

A little perspective

I recently heard this for the first time and it is exactly what I needed to hear.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

time....

Wishing I had the time and the head space to write the Christmas birth story.

If only G would sleep past 4 am............

One day at a time.

Here!

At 10:46am on Christmas morning I pushed E, our second son, into the world.

I got the natural vaginal birth that I wanted and it was all so surreal.

Details to follow........

Excerpt from Momma Zen's new book

The truth and sincere beauty of her words just made me cry. If this book is anything like her previous one, it should be worth it. Her new book, which is not actually out yet, is called Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an ordinary life.

You really should listen to this.

No sleep......

Wow. Another night of being jolted awake at all hours of the night by our "adorable" 2 1/2 year old.

Transitioning to the big boy bed has been hard on all of us.

NOW, off to Target, to buy a padlock.........

Any advice on how to make this go a little smoother?

Pregnant

Anish Kapoor's 1992 sculpture titled, When I am Pregnant, aptly illustrates how I feel right now.

• all belly
• full with anticipation
• eager to see the face and know the sex of this little being
• that is still only such a blur
• i AM pregnant
• probably for the last time
• and, although i am excited for it to be over.....the aches, and largeness
• it is such an amazing and wonderful experience
• to be pregnant

small victories

I ran upstairs to go to the bathroom while G watched Word World on the couch downstairs, by himself. Rather abruptly, I heard him running back and forth.

From upstairs I yelled: "G, what are you doing?"

G: "Eating a cookie. That's what I'm doing."

Me: "Well, I hope you're sitting at the table, at least."

I walked downstairs to find him sitting at the table with crumbs all around. At least he followed the "no eating anywhere but the table" rule.........

Addendum to the weeks highlights

#1.....Showing up for the Lobster Newburg, Veteran's Day luncheon at my parents house to find my 82 year old, balding Uncle in a wig. He was dressed normally, except for the well-made, grey ladies wig he wore on his head.

I initially thought he didn't realize that his new "toupe" was a ladies wig. But I quickly found out that it was a joke and part of a larger costume that involved a black t-shirt, shades, a white glove and a homemade washtub base for group sing time after dinner.

My family has definitely loosened up since the days when we could not even giggle at the dinner table.

How was your Veteran's Day?

A few highlights from the week so far......

1. Hysterical laughter from G while reading Amy Krouse Rosenthal's, Little Pea. If you love hearing your toddler laugh uncontrollably, I highly recommend this book.

2. Reading this months Sculpture magazine and in it, the interview with Rachel Perry Welty. These two quotes made me stop and think.

-"they are not representational. I hope that they merely suggest."

-"the world belongs to the articulate."

Conversations I'd rather not have, #1

G: IS that a COOKIE?

Me: NO. No, G. THAT is not a cookie. Now get out of the bath tub so I can clean it.

Lesson learned: Never make your son laugh hysterically while taking a bath. Save the good jokes for before or after, when they've got a diaper on.

Chivalry is not dead

Me: G, will you be a big help and pick up that Cheerio and put it in the trash, please?

G (staring at the Cheerio): What Cheerio?

Me: The one, right in front of you, on the floor. Please pick it up and throw it in the trash.

G: Okay. Sure. I'd love. (stammering a bit) I'd love to help you Mama.

No joke. That is what he said.

I had a dream that baby #2 was a boy. I wonder if I am destined to be surrounded by men.

Pigs and pregnancy

The past few weeks my belly has really begun to grow and my choice of pants to wear has dwindled from MANY to five. I had to buy a few longer shirts to accomodate the growth as well. At 27 weeks along, most people tell me, "Oh, you look so petite or small." But I feel quite big and cumbersome.

Thursday night B was out playing basketball for the evening. As I squatted down to wipe G's face after dinner he immediately ran behind me, threw his arms around my neck and climbed up on my back saying,

"Mama, I want to ride you like a pig."

Now, I don't usually think of myself as being sensitive about the weight gain, but I've gotta admit my first thought was, "My 2 year old is calling me fat."

My second thought was, "What is he talking about, people don't ride PIGS."

I had to share this with someone and B was out for the night, so I called my sister.

It was only in the retelling of the story that I realized what G was talking about.

He wanted a piggy back ride........

Wishing.......

I had the answer. Or even just a relatively strong gut feeling.

For the past two months I have been consumed with the pursuit of natural childbirth after a C-Section. I am determined to push this little human growing inside of me out of my body by myself, without the aide of pitocin, a vaccum, forceps or a knife. It has become my latest obsession. I have read incessantly, talked with everyone I can think of and read numerous blogs and mothering forums.

We interviewed four doulas and chose the best one for us. She has been wonderful so far with advice on books, finding the right care provider and just plain supportive of any random question I might have.

I've decided to leave the midwife practice I've been seeing ever since I was pregnant with G because they feel much more medical minded than I am comfortable with. They think like OB's and deliver at the hospital with the highest c-section rate in Rhode Island.

In the pursuit of a new health care provider, I have interviewed another midwife practice that delivers at a different hospital, a homebirth midwife and a family physician/OB. The OB has been ruled out.

My gut says my best chances for a natural birth are at home but my brain is worried about the one trillionth chance of complications and the fact that I won't technically have any connection to a liscenced health care professional. The homebirth midwife IS a professional, and in my opinion has more experience (27 years) than anyone I've interviewed, BUT she is a CPM (not a CNM) and RI does not recognize them, so she can not write perscriptions or even legally deliver a baby in the state.

I am so torn and eager to make the decision. I would like to go back to focusing on other topics in my life, such as making some art before #2 arrives or maybe just planning dinner.

I have given myself until tomorrow to decide. It's just getting that ridiculous and I am 26 weeks along now so I feel the urge to have this nailed down.

What do I do about the fact that neither option feels perfect?

Awesome Stuff!

I stumbled upon this book during a late night (9pm) trip to Urban Outfitters with two of my gal pals, after a lovely evening of dinner and an art show.

After briefly flipping through the illustrations in the store, I sensed there was something special about the book, but decided not to buy it because I have a constant and at times debilitating fear of buyers remorse. But anyways.

When I got home from Urban Outfitters, that night, I did a search for it on the web , found the website and decided I had to buy it.

This book really is awesome! The first time I read it to G, I teared up.

You should check it out.

Not knowing

We have decided not to find out whether we are having a girl or a boy.

On some days however, I really want to know. People always ask, "Do you know what you're having?" And when I say, "NO, we're waiting", they say, "Oh you must really want a girl." And you know what? I don't REALLY want a girl. Actually, I want a boy so G can have a brother and I want a girl so B and I can have the experience of knowing what it is like to be the parents of a girl.

Either way we will be thrilled. And all we really care about is if this little human is healthy. That is all that truly matters.

But some days, I just wish I knew.

And then again, there is something fun about NOT knowing.