Understanding your creative cycles

This week’s secret in our 12 Secrets book club is about getting in tune with your natural creative cycles. We all have high and low periods, productive and unproductive times. For me, experiencing what it feels like to be stuck, really stuck, frustrated and doubtful of the end result is crucial to understanding my cycle. In grad school, I realized how to manage those dark feelings and channel the energy toward my goals, instead of letting it blocking them.

I have always leaned toward the void, or negative feelings, when it comes to personal growth and pushing myself. I need deadlines and fear to further my progress and motivate me to finish.

Whenever I am working on a project that really matters to me, I inevitably get to a point where I think it is going to fail. I think, no one will like it, I will be so embarrassed and it’s just not going to work. But I trust that in those moments, if I just push past the fear and doubt and frustration, and keep working, something good will come of it.

I have learned to embrace the struggle and seek it out. I purposely say yes to things that scare me, such as opportunities to give lectures on my work. The struggle, for me, is a sign that the project is worth doing, yet realizing this does not mean it is easy.

As a follow-up to last week’s post and Jamie’s challenge for us to take a risk, I have begun some preliminary experiments toward a new body of work. This week, as I sat in my studio, however, plotting my first move, I felt scared, unsure, and self-conscious. Surrounded by the sculptures I’ve made over the past few years, I wondered why do I want to start over, and do something new, isn’t there more to explore with the old work?

Old work, (literally staring at me):


But I promptly answered my own question and thought a lot about what we are learning in this book.
_____________________________________________________________________
“To be creative means becoming more familiar with being a little lost.” Michelle Cassou

AND

“I wanted to be scared again. I wanted to feel unsure again. That’s the only way I learn, the only way I feel challenged.” Connie Chung
_____________________________________________________________________

With the new work, I want to create organic paper forms that interact with one another in a way that reveals a relationship. Phrases that keep coming up:

Being squeezed
Leaned on
Pushed up against

I am currently playing around with how water balloons react to be placed in different situations and containers. My plan is to use mold making and paper casting, to capture the organic forms as they get distorted under pressure. It feels strange to share such early investigations, but have a look and let me know what you think.

Pushing down, squeezed in, folding over

Interesting

Some cool shots by photographer Chema Madoz.

It definitely COULD have been worse

But....... Hearing your 1 1/2 year old son say, “Mama, COME IN!” while doing everything you can to keep him calm, as you wait for AAA to come retrieve the keys that you mistakenly locked in the front seat of your car, kind of sucks. Luckily we were in the library parking lot, G was safely strapped into his car seat and AAA arrived in 12 minutes. I guess they put service calls with kids locked in the car above all other calls. Thank god. Seriously, a bit nerve wracking to say the least and yet another lesson: NEVER LET YOUR CHILD PLAY WITH THE KEYS. Even if it does shut, I mean, calm him down while you attend to essential tasks, like buckling him into the car seat.

7 Things

That I am grateful for this week. (in no particular order)

1.) R.H. Phillips Night Harvest Chardonnay
2.) Fleece Pants
3.) Friends who are more like family
4.) Frozen green beans
5.) ReadyMade Magazine while on the Elliptical
6.) Snow Days
7.) Summer will return in 5 months or so

New things.

G's new favorite book is TRUCKS by Byron Barton. He can finish the sentence on every page. If you are a parent and haven't already discovered this author, I would check out his stuff. He has written a bunch of books on simple subjects and the illustrations are block-like and colorful. Great for young readers. The subjects might lean towards the male persuasion, but who says a girl can't read about trucks and planes and "My Car." It's worth looking into.

So, this weekend we went to IKEA looking for a new kitchen table and two chairs to replace the rickety ones that threatened to crumble underneath anyone who sat in them. IKEA is a deadly place for us, as we always leave with more than we went in for. The table pictured above is what we decided upon. The docksta, a knock-off of the Saarinen tulip table, is not the most practical, but considering the price, our space constraints and how much we love it, it makes sense for us for now. The clear chair on the left is cool but not right for our space so it is going back and the chair on the right is too low. Alas we are still looking for chairs. Any suggestions?

Hand towels that we did not NEED, but I fell in love with, so now they are ours.

Two Months

Two months ago, last week, I had a miscarriage. I was 10 weeks along, and hoping for an end to the horrible nausea. When I was pregnant with G, I didn’t have any of the first trimester symptoms, so it caught me off guard and I remember thinking, “I just want this to be over.” And then, I had the tiniest bit of spotting and some cramps and all I wanted was for everything to be okay with the baby.

While the ultrasound technician showed us my uterus on the screen, there was silence. Deafening, hard to hear, silence. I still feel the loss, but over the last two months I have begun to feel a sense of relief. I am relieved that we have a beautiful healthy son, relieved that we have a little more time with him before introducing another human to the family and relieved that I have a bit more time to figure out where I'm at with my art work, my teaching and being an at home Mom. Mostly, though, I feel a greater appreciation for the miracle of life. Today I found out that my hCG levels are finally back to normal. I guess that’s my body’s way of reminding me to trust the timing of nature and let life unfold as it will.

Secret 3/ Following Your Fascinations

I did a lot of experimenting creatively, during my first year of graduate school. The sculptures I made range in style and material from miniature organic paper studies to large-scale, geometric welded forms. Although I had not found my sculptural medium yet, the content was consistent. My work was about a physical or outwardly visible response to an internal experience or emotion.

A few examples of my experimentation:



While experimenting my first year, I felt a strong desire to sculpt the human figure realistically, but denied those feelings because, I thought it was looked down upon in the art world. There was the idea that Michelangelo and Rodin (to name a few) had conveyed the human condition so well, that there was no point in trying to compare or worse, redo something that had already been done. For two years I repressed my desire, until I came across a young figurative painter named Margherita Manzelli, whose work inspired me so much that I couldn't deny my true fascination any longer. I sculpted a figure in response to her work, and for the first time, felt true pride and connection to something that I had made. It was a break-through piece and showed my professors that I was serious about the human form. I gained their support and presented a series of female figures for my Thesis body of work.

Some early figures cast in paper:



That was two and a half years ago and now I have a desire to move in a new direction, but I am nervous to start. I have gained so much positive feedback on the figures and still do love it, that I feel anxious about trying something different. I know that is exactly why I should, so this week I will take a step toward creating a new body of work.

12 Secrets

I am now part of a book blogging group called 12 Secrets. As part of this group, every Friday I will post an entry pertaining to the book, the 12 secrets of highly creative women, written by Gail McMeekin.

I'm a bit behind, so today I will post my thoughts and reflections on the first and second chapters and tomorrow........my thoughts on this weeks chapter, Secret 3.

Response to Secret 1/Acknowledging Your Creative Self:

When I read the following quote in the margins of the book, I had to pause. This quote is nothing I haven't heard before, but the short, concise nature of it stopped me.

Sanaya Roman, (Writer, of what? I do not know.) said,

"What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do."

For what seemed like a very long time, I struggled with what it was I was "supposed" to do with my life. I graduated from high school and went to college. I wanted to major in art, but was too afraid to go to art school or even to declare it as my major. I went to the University of New Hampshire and after two drawing classes and a painting class, where I felt inferior, I majored in business. It never felt right, but somehow seemed easier to "fake" than being an ART MAJOR. During my senior year, I can vividly remember walking past the Paul Creative Arts Center on my way to class at the Whittemore School of Business and feeling my body cringe. I had a physical longing to go to the art center, as if my body knew what my mind would not consider. I was heading down the wrong path.

After graduating with a degree in business (I was too stubborn and scared to switch my major) it took five years and the following chain of events for me to finally admit that what I love to do, IS what I am supposed to do:

• meeting the man who would eventually become my husband
  
• enrolling in a figurative sculpture course
  
• moving across the country from Massachusetts to San Francisco, CA
  
• getting fired from my "marketing assistant" job (that's what I was qualified for)
  
• getting hired as a 10th grade sculpture teacher at the School for the Arts
• being rejected from MFA programs
• a lot of love & support from my family & friends
  
• briefly attending a Masters in Art Education program
• more support from my family & friends
  
• getting accepted into an MFA program
• continued support from my family & friends
• receiving my Master of Fine Art in Sculpture
  

I am now an adjunct professor of Art, making art (although not as much as I should these days) and happier with my life than I ever knew possible. Don't get me wrong, I have struggles and disappointments and occasional doubts. But even on the worst day, I can say that I love it. I love the struggles because they are worth it. If you had told my teenage self that this is what I would be doing with my life, I honestly don't think I would have believed you.

Response to Secret 2/Honoring Your Inspirations: I'll keep this brief since the first one was so long.

I found the question at the end of this chapter: What activates your creative energy? to be a poignant one.

I recently recommitted to going to the gym a few days a week. Doing this, I have been reminded that working out activates that place where my mind starts running with ideas. The combo of adrenalin rush and being alone with my thoughts while running or using the elliptical always invigorates me. It makes me want to take action.

Wow!

I just stopped by Jen Lemen's blog and and was wowed by what I read. She posted an excerpt from an interview with Michelle and Barack Obama, that the New Yorker did in 1996 as part of a photography project on couples in America. What an amazing way to talk about your wife.

This is what President Obama had to say:

All my life, I have been stitching together a family, through stories or memories or friends or ideas. Michelle has had a very different background—very stable, two-parent family, mother at home, brother and dog, living in the same house all their lives. We represent two strands of family life in this country—the strand that is very stable and solid, and then the strand that is breaking out of the constraints of traditional families, travelling, separated, mobile. I think there was that strand in me of imagining what it would be like to have a stable, solid, secure family life.

Michelle is a tremendously strong person, and has a very strong sense of herself and who she is and where she comes from. But I also think in her eyes you can see a trace of vulnerability that most people don’t know, because when she’s walking through the world she is this tall, beautiful, confident woman. There is a part of her that is vulnerable and young and sometimes frightened, and I think seeing both of those things is what attracted me to her. And then what sustains our relationship is I’m extremely happy with her, and part of it has to do with the fact that she is at once completely familiar to me, so that I can be myself and she knows me very well and I trust her completely, but at the same time she is also a complete mystery to me in some ways. And there are times when we are lying in bed and I look over and sort of have a start. Because I realize here is this other person who is separate and different and has different memories and backgrounds and thoughts and feelings. It’s that tension between familiarity and mystery that makes for something strong, because, even as you build a life of trust and comfort and mutual support, you retain some sense of surprise or wonder about the other person.

7 Things

With the Spring semester beginning tomorrow, I have not had a chance to get to the posts I want to write.

I get a bit frazzled at the beginning of each semester and then things tend to go wrong. This morning for example, I missed the refrigerator when putting the gallon of milk back and when I let go, it fell in an explosion of milk, covering the wood floor, rolling under the refrigerator and down through the cracks, to the basement. When I have days like this, it always seems I'm just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Instead of waiting, I am going to focus on the good and make note of all the things that are going right.

So today, I'm going to start a Tuesday tradition. Every Tuesday I will list Seven things I am grateful for having in my life. Why seven? Well, 10 is too ordinary and 5 is too few. Seven is also very prominent in my life. I was born on 7/27/75 and until I got married, there were seven letters each in my first, middle and last name.

Here we go: Seven things I am grateful for.......

1. Blue sky
2. Friends that keep trying
3. A 19 month old excitedly screaming "Dhare it is!" when we turn
to the page with the bulldozer on it.
4. A husband who gets out of bed at 4am to bring the heating pad
5. AAA
6. Having an inspiring President
7. The library playroom

Quotes

I decided to use the following quote at the top of my syllabi this semester and was not satisfied with (unknown source).

"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it."

So I did a quick google search, which I should have done before posting it, and found out that it is credited to Martha Graham. She was a dancer and choreographer, who, according to Wikipedia, was one of the foremost pioneers of modern dance. Her work is pretty amazing and I highly recommend checking it out if you have never seen it.

In my search, I came across this other quote, by a man named Richard Rosen, that made me think about what I really want.

"It isn't sufficient just to want--- you've got to ask yourself what you are going to do to get the things you want." (Richard D. Rosen)

Self Fun

"Face Your Manga" is a website where you can make a cartoon likeness of anyone you choose.

I have known about this site for some time now, just never felt compelled to play around with it until today. It's fun. Go ahead and try it. It's free!

http://www.faceyourmanga.it/homepage.php?lang=eng

Here's my family.

Questions

When I was a kid, my parents always said that I asked a lot of questions. I was curious, you know? I mean, I wanted to understand how things worked. Really understand them. Now, B often gets frustrated with me, as I guess I am prone to answer his questions with more questions. I still want clarification on things. And I'm a teacher, people, it's in my blood.

This morning, I realized, there may be a questioning gene that I have passed on to G.

The following, is a list of some of the questions that my son asked before 8:30am, in somewhat correct order.

Where's Mama?
Bottle?
Yogi?
Blueberries?
What's that noise?
See it?
Poop?
Change diaper?
What's that noise?
Dada? Where'd he go?
Thomas? See Thomas?

and the kicker.....

As we were walking out the door to drop G off at daycare, he said, "Target?"

Hmmmm. Maybe we do spend too much time there.

Brite

G in front of a large Lite Brite

Back story:

A few months ago B was changing G's diaper and decided he needed some A&D. He opened the HUGE tub of it that we have, and began applying.

G looked at the tub and said, "Peanut Butter?" (Which was an accurate assumption since the two containers do look alike.)

B quickly responded, "No, it's not peanut butter, it's butt butter." To which G, repeatedly responded, "Butt butter! Butt butter!" Which is funny for now, until he starts saying it at daycare, other peoples houses, school, etc. So, I try to encourage calling it A&D whenever I can.

This morning:

I applied some A&D to the red spot under G's nose and he said, "What's that? What's that?"

To which I stated, "It's A&D."

With a puzzled look on his face he immediately came back with, "What's that? Butt butter?!"

So I guess I am not fooling anyone. Except maybe myself.

Might be Time

I got my undergraduate degree in Business. Looking back I can not believe that I chose that major, however, the older I get the more I think I will end up using my business skills somehow.

Senior year, I interned with a financial advisor at Dean Witter. She tried to teach me how to use the stock market for personal gain and as a parting gift she gave me three, count 'em, three shares of Pepsi Co.

That was 12 years ago and I still have the three shares of Pepsi. I get quarterly stockholder updates and four checks a year in the amount of $1.28 each. They are still sent to my parents house as I have never updated my address.

It is always a joke when the checks arrive.

Usually I go straight to the bank with them and feel my account balance swell, but........

A few months ago I found a check that was at least 6 months old, maybe more. Not in a rush to add the $1.28 to my account, I waited until last week to deposit it. Yesterday I was checking my balance and noticed a strange $4.73 fee on my account.

Apparently, Pepsi put a stop payment on the check (I'm guessing because it was so old). And my bank charged me $4.73 for their trouble in trying to cash it.

So, as it turns out, I paid $4.73 to try and cash a check worth $1.28.

Might be time to sell my shares. Sad, because I always thought I'd leave them to my children.

A Picture and Two Quotes

G at the Children's Museum

Two quotes from a blog called Creative Voyage that seem to sum up how I have been feeling lately.

1) "You cannot build a reputation on what you are going to do," Henry Ford
(I'm always surprised by the things I learn about this man)

2) "There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it."
(unknown source, but great quote nonetheless)

New Year

Finally, after 33 years on this planet, I have embraced and am beginning to LOVE cooking dinner. I'm not talking boiling water, throwing in some frozen raviolis (pasta pillows as they are affectionately referred to at our house) and making a green salad.

I'm talking fennel and haddock with a roasted garlic/lemon vinaigrette. Tonight will mark the fourth night in a row that I have prepared a meal "from scratch." And I'm actually enjoying it. Who knew?

So how did it happen? Well, I cut out the five easy weeknight dinners suggested in the Nov issue of Real Simple (might have been December, not sure). Then I got a brand new shinny roasting pan from my Mom for Christmas. Got excited to use the pan so I took the recipes to the grocery store and bought the ingredients. And the rest, well. Delicious.

Now I just need Real Simple to suggest dinners for every day of the year. I might be able to get in the habit of this.

Library

G money and I went to the library today and for a brief minute we walked through the rows of books that I wanted to read and man did it ever renew my love. To me, libraries signify all that is possible. I get inspired, excited, eager for new things.

G met a girl named Mya (pronounced My-a). They played with a few toys together and took turns leading each other through the library hand in hand. She was three and kept looking up at me, as I was following them everywhere, and saying, "the baby is so cute." She was sweet, but had a bunch of crusted snot on her upper lip and coughed in our direction once, along with giving "the baby" a kiss when she left, which has me a bit skeeved out since it is cold season. Anyways, we had fun.

This is what we came home with:

Thomas and the Magic Railroad DIESEL 10 MEANS TROUBLE
My Car
Great Idea Now What? turn your idea, invention or business into a moneymaking success
Style By the Aisle Off-the-Rack decorating for affordable chic
If at First You Don't Succeed......the 8 patterns of highly effective entrepreneurs
Getting things Done, The Art of Stress-free productivity
Organizing Genius, Secrets of Creative Collaboration
Ladies Who Launch, Embracing Entrepreneurship & Creativity as a Lifestyle

Now we'll see what I can make of all these.

On a side note: 18 month checkup stats

Weight: 26 lbs
Height: 33 1/2 inches
Head: Almost 19 inches