Messy, but worth it

This post is a response to Secret # 8 in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 8: Selecting Empowering Partnerships & Alliances

Engagement on the roof of our old San Francisco apartment

At the beginning of this chapter, Gail suggests we ask ourselves a series of questions regarding knowing ones self, in order to choose successful partnerships. This reminded me of my undergraduate studies in Business Administration. We took many surveys, personality tests and Myers Briggs type psychological questionnaires to find out where we should direct our focus/job search in the corporate world. They were interesting but mostly left me feeling more confused.

I am much more of a gut feeling decision maker rather than a logical, statistic driven one. Plus, I don’t know how much I trust those tests. I think you can swing them to get the results you want to hear, without even knowing you are doing it.

A few thoughts as a result of reading this chapter:

• The most empowering partnership I have chosen to embark on is with my husband. We started dating 11 1/2 years ago, got married almost 5 years ago and have been supporting each other to achieve our individual and shared dreams ever since.
• My family has always been and continues to be my greatest alliance. They have seen me through everything and helped push me to achieve goals I didn’t even know I had. Their collective ability to listen, challenge, love and motivate is something I deeply cherish and rely on.
• To really get to know your self and be honest about your strengths and weaknesses is one of the keys to being successful.
• We can accomplish more with the help and input of others than we can alone.
• True partnership is hard and messy at times, but ultimately, so worth it.

On creativity

Thanks to Blisschick, I just watched a 20 minute video of Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, where she talks about how to manage creativity. It is perhaps the most articulate, eloquent, interesting 20 minute talk I have ever heard. Have a listen over here if you are interested. I highly recommend it.

What we need to learn most

This morning we went to the library for story-time, just like we’ve done almost every Thursday for about five months now. For the first time since we started going, I had a few, not just one, but a few, actual conversations with other adults. G, on the other hand, always has great, and I assume meaningful, toddler discussions while we are there.

After the songs and the story, Miss Pam brings out a box of books and two boxes of toys for the kids to play with. G has the best time roaming and interacting and I follow him while watching the other parents catch up and enjoy adult conversation. Usually, I am too self-conscious or shy or just plain inept, to strike up that first, ice breaking conversation.

I’m not anti-social. I do have the occasional, “Hi”, (with a little eye contact) and “Would you mind passing that toy” or “Sorry. G, don’t grab, let’s share,” interactions with other parents and kids. But, for the most part, I am small talk impaired. I don’t like it and I don’t know how to do it. I get flustered when someone compliments G’s surfer blond hair or cute outfit and don’t know what to say beyond, “Thank you.”

It’s odd because I teach at the college level and am regularly in the position of speaking in front of the class. I am very comfortable giving directions. And, I actually enjoy leading group discussions where I have to draw people out and get them to participate in meaningful ways.

I guess the saying, “We teach best what we need to learn most,” would be true in my case.

Today, though, I had two really satisfying conversations with complete strangers and it felt great. Maybe I’m starting to learn.

One Word Challenge

Where is your cell phone? COAT
Where is your significant other? WORK
Your hair color? BROWN
Your mother? NURTURING
Your father? FUNNY
Your favorite thing? SUNSHINE
Your dream last night? UNKNOWN
Your goal? HAPPINESS
The room you’re in? LIBRARY
Your hobby? EXERCISE
Your fear? TIME
Where do you want to be in six years? PROFESSOR
Where were you last night? HOME
What you’re not? TAN
One of your wish-list items? COUCH
Where you grew up? GROTON
The last thing you did? LUNCH
What are you wearing? OUTFIT
Your TV? NEW
Your pet? CATS
Your computer? MAC
Your mood? CONTENT
Missing someone? NOPE
Your car? CIVIC
Something you’re not wearing? THONG
Favorite store? NO
Your summer? EAGER
Love someone? YES!
Your favorite color? BLUE
When is the last time you laughed? LAST NIGHT
Last time you cried? MORNING

**If you’re reading this, you’re tagged!**

In love with an older woman

G is starting to get over the nasty cold he has had for the last three days. His faucet-like clear runny nose, fever, watery eyes and downright lethargy has segued into the occasional green snot and a smokers cough. (For the record: We don’t let him smoke, he sneaks it when he’s out with his friends.)

So, to celebrate his transition from bad to better and because we (I) NEEDED to get out of the house, we went to the library. Our routine is, I carry him through the parking lot, in the front door and then put him down to walk when we are past the lobby.

For a few weeks now, the moment he enters the building he starts scanning the room for Miss Pam (the woman who leads story-time and his first crush). It is hysterical to hear a 20 month old ask every other library worker he can find, if they know where Miss Pam is. No sentences of inquiry. He just walks over to them, looks up and says, “Miss Pam?” They all seem to know exactly what he’s talking about and they either direct him to her, or politely say, “She’s not here today.”

I’m guessing he’s not her only suitor.

Blue and orange

Feeling a little down the past few days. Not sure why. I’ve been going to the gym, getting plenty of sleep and eating good food, but still I feel a bit low. It could be the continued cold weather and lack of green grass and blue sky. Regardless, I am the kind of person who likes to figure this stuff out so I can get back to feeling genuinely happy, motivated and excited about life.

Searching for an image to depict my mood, I came across these photos from our trip to Christo’s Gates, in Central Park, NYC four years ago. These illustrate how I'd like to feel: bright orange and full.


Is there a secret to getting through winter in New England that I haven't learned yet?

Connections

While trying to figure out what to write this week for the 12 Secrets Book Club, I browsed some of my favorite blogs. If you have a minute and want to read a great post, which is serendipitously connected to this week’s Secret: Consulting with Guides, stop by this website.

The post is long but it's worth it.

"Live the questions"

This post is a response to Secret 7, in the 12 Secrets book club.

Secret 7: Consulting with Guides

The opinions I seek out when I need to make a major decision are those of both of my sisters, my best friend, my parents and my husband. They have been the most wise and consistent mentors/guides throughout my 33 years. Of course there are others who have encouraged and motivated me along the way but none as profoundly or deeply as my family and best friend. They are truly connected to who I was, who I am and who I am becoming.

Aside from those six people, a great source of guidance has come from the writings of the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke. Letters to A Young Poet, the collection of letters that Rilke wrote to a young would-be poet, is one of the greatest gifts I have received and still brings chills. The ten letters were written from 1903 to 1908, on the subject of surviving as an artist.

The first letter in the book is a response to the young poet's request for feedback on his poetry. To which Rilke suggests that he look no further for approval than within himself. He says,

“You ask whether your verses are good. You ask me. You have asked others before. You send them to magazines. You compare them with other poems, and you are disturbed when certain editors reject your efforts. Now (since you have allowed me to advise you) I beg you to give up all that. You are looking outward, and that above all you should not do now. Nobody can counsel and help you, nobody. There is only one single way. Go into yourself.”

I think we all need people we can trust who will listen to our ideas, our concerns and give us honest feedback. But ultimately, we have to decide for ourselves and trust our own instincts. We must have faith in our abilities, strike out alone and be willing to fail a few times if we wish to create something new, fresh, sincere and worthy.

For me, often the hardest part about being an artist, is navigating the territory of the unknown. I have a hard time staying focused when I don’t know whether something will be “worth it.” And by worth it I mean: make money, impress others, get me into shows, etc., etc., etc.

Discovering the following quote was a breakthrough in my thinking. It has guided me through many uncertain points in my life and I like to share it whenever appropriate.

Rilke said:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

It reminds me to be present. To love my life the way it is, for all it’s uncertainty and faults, to appreciate the journey instead of waiting for the destination and to let the questions be my guide.

Some Originality

"It showed some originality and energy to have devised such a life."

In 1998 I found this quote either by or about the 19th century English writer, Isabella Bird. She was a unique woman who was more interested in traveling and experiencing different cultures than settling down in Britain.

I wrote it down 11 years ago and have kept it in various sketchbooks ever since. If one person says this about me after I am gone, I will be happy. It would be the ultimate compliment.

Self-Portrait

“Whatever the artist makes is always some kind of self-portrait.” -Marisol

All week these new leaves, on this plant in my house, have been on the brink of opening, unfurling and I'm on the edge of my seat in anticipation. I can't wait for them to open.

I feel a connection to this plant and I don't exactly know why. Like I'm waiting for something too, but I'm not sure what it is.

It's exciting.

I'd like some answers

What is it about this doormat that says, “Please piss on me?”

For the last three days, every time I open my front door I am hit with the overwhelming aroma of cat piss. Not sure what my husband, my 20-month old son, my two cats or myself have done to deserve this. I love cats but this is just gross.

Seriously, did we anger the neighborhood cats in some way? Is there a new turf war going on that I am not aware of? We have lived in this house for almost four years and this has never happened before. It’s really disgusting and I wish it would stop.

Anyone have any ideas?

Getting Over myself

This post is a response to the sixth secret in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

My greatest distraction

***********************************

The sixth secret is called CONQUERING SABOTEURS. But I'd like to rename it GETTING OVER MYSELF.

My sole saboteur is me.

I've always been encouraged to pursue my passion for art. When I was in elementary school my mother had my best friends Mom (an artist and teacher) give me private drawing lessons. Throughout graduate school and to this day she calls to ask what I am working on in the studio. She knows how important it is to my happiness and wants to see me stay focused on making art. My husband has always supported my decision to be an artist and he often helps complete projects when I need him to. The list goes on and on. I am amazingly blessed and surrounded by support.

So, whenever something is standing in my way, I only have myself to blame.

A few of the culprits are as follows:

• Lack of discipline
• Giving in to distractions such as friends, family and housework (chores or decorating)
• Procrastination (often due to not knowing how to start or finish a piece)
• Fear of inadequacy (of not measuring up to my own standards and those I think others hold for me)
• Fear of wasting time and money
• Wanting to know it is going to work or be brilliant before even starting
  

These are a few of the things that threaten to sabotage my creative work. They are things that I need to keep in check. Some days are better than others.

******************************************

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deep fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. “

This quote by Marianne Williamson is something I have heard before. I remember being intrigued the first time I read it and really giving the idea some thought. It is a flattering statement and I wish I could say that it is true for me. However, reading the quote in the context of this book I realize that my biggest fear IS that I am inadequate. I don’t worry about being too powerful. I would love that. I am a Leo. I have no problem with power. I like to be in control and would prefer it to being subordinate.

Eleanor Roosevelt’s words seemed more true to my experience. She said,

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

Doing things that scare me or that I don't think I can do make me feel alive. It has taken me a while to realize it but Eleanor is right. We must all try to do those things that we don't think we can do.

Art Award

The lovely Lissa of Lissa Light-n-Up fame, has given me an art award.

Here's what I have to do:

• list 7 things that I love (Somewhat serendipitous, since I usually post 7 things I am grateful for each week)
• tag 7 talented and creative people
• link back to the person that sent it to me
  

Thank you for choosing me Lissa. I think you are talented and inspirational as well.

Here is my list.

1. My family and friends. I am so lucky and blessed to have such a crew.
2. The smell of the ocean, blooming lilacs and fresh cut grass
3. Watching my son dance for joy to the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song
4. Going for a run at dusk in late June
5. The sound of Anne Murray’s voice. It always reminds me of childhood car rides.
6. Traveling/Exploring new places
7. Taking healthy risks and doing things that scare me

So there you have it.

Now, I tag these seven folks. Please, know that there is no obligation to do anything with this award other than appreciate it.

Erinn, Lisa, Mary, Jennifer, Famapa, Megan, and Victoria

Patterns

Note paper

Baby gate

The Passion

The day after the inauguration, The Providence Journal published a large, full-page photo of Obama delivering his speech.

As B and G ate breakfast that morning, the paper lay out on the table. G noticed the photo and in a concerned voice stated, “Obama crying.”

B, responding to G’s assumption said, “No. He’s not crying, he’s just really passionate. Sometimes passion can be mistaken for sadness.”
__________________________________

A month later , G looked up at me with one of his Sesame Street theme diapers in his hands and said, “Elmo crying.”

Without looking at the diaper, I asked, “Why is Elmo crying?” To which he stated, “The passion, mama. Passion.”

I looked down and noticed that on the waistband of the diaper, Elmo is pictured wildly playing the drums. He does in fact look passionate and our 20 month old noticed.

The world should have it

This weeks chapter, Secret 5: Committing to Self-Focus, in our online book club 12 Secrets, brought up some very old and long standing issues for me as a woman and an artist.

Reading this reminded me that as a teenager I decided I wanted to be self-sufficient, to answer to no one when I grew up. So I began making choices that led me to deny my real passion for art and attain a business degree. Since then, I have awakened to what I really want from this lifetime. I have learned what and who I need to help me get there.

The following is a list of things that came into focus for me while reading this chapter.

• A support system of interested and interesting, involved and loving people is crucial to my success.
• It is not selfish to take time to do, that which fills you with joy. You will be able to give it back in so many ways.
• Fulfillment lies in a happy medium between dedication to creative work, family and socializing.
• Must devise a way to divide creative energy between sculpture, blogging and home projects
• Making time for exercise (a key to my overall well-being) is essential.
• Finding like-minded people is a pleasure we should all experience.
• Comparing and judging yourself against others is not very productive.
• Don’t be afraid to be your true self, that’s all you’ve got.
• Believe that you are worth it and then ask for what you want.
• Carve out time to do or make your work. If you don’t then the world will not have it. –Martha Graham

Thank you all for your generous comments about my sculpture. The new work is in progress and hopefully I'll have images to share in a few weeks.

Obsessing over chairs..........

Okay.
I need to stop obsessing about this, so please share your advice.

We bought the Ikea Docksta table. Pictured below.

Neither chair works.
I love the look of these chairs and these chairs. But I can't spend hundreds of dollars on chairs.

So, I have narrowed it down to these TWO Ikea chairs.

1) The Martin

Pros:
Simple so the table will be the focal point
Black, nice contrast to the white
Small size makes it easy to get in and out of, in the tight quarters of our kitchen
$30 each

Cons:
I don't love the the look of them
Not sure if they work with the table
___________________________________

2) The Elias

Pros:
I LOVE the look of it
Black
I LOVE it

Cons:
With a 1 year old, I'm worried that the wicker will easily get food stuck in it and quickly look nasty
The arm rests might make it hard to get in and out of since you can't push back very far
$70 each

So, dear internet, please help me solve this, so I can move on to obsessing about something else.

Questions I never thought I'd ask

G is 1 and a half years (well 20 months on Thursday to be exact) and although he can communicate so much better than he could a year ago, I still don’t expect a well thought out answer when I ask him a question. Usually I just get a quick NO (regardless of whether he actually means it), sometimes a yeah, and occasionally an Okay! Okay! if the question has something to do with food and whether or not he wants to eat.

Often during the day, we’re alone in the house and I’ll ask him something just to feel like I’m having a real conversation with another human being. For example, I’ll say:

Did you have fun at story time today? Or

Do you think I should wear jeans or cords with this shirt? Or

What do you think Noe (our cat) is thinking about right now?

This morning’s conversation went like this:

Me: “G, did you poop or just fart?”

G: “No Mama. Not meeee. Not meeeee.”

He actually giggled as he said the last meeee, somehow knowing that it is funny to deny it.

In and Around my house

Inspired by the London based blog, my funny eye, I've decided to post weekly photos of things in and around my house. I am not a photographer by any means, but love thinking about composition, lighting and the way forms relate to one another. Maybe this will motivate me to watch the instructional video we bought two years ago, when we purchased our Nikon D50.

So here are the first two photos: My son's highchair & pussy willows.