Wish I didn't, but I do

Why can I set manageable timelines and workplans for my students, but when it comes to my own work, I LEAVE EVERYTHING TO THE LAST MINUTE!

I do this to myself every time. I know when I commit to things that I work well under pressure. But then when I'm in the pressure filled last few days, I question why I agreed to it in the first place. But I know why I did. This is who I am, what I do and I love it. But procrastination sucks when it's biting you on the ass.

If I tried to sit down and get this done two weeks ago, and believe me I did, it just wouldn't work. I wouldn't get where I need to be. I need the fear and the anxiety, to make me kick it into action.

I wish I didn't but I do.

Catching a Glimpse

This post is a response to Secret #12, the last Secret, in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 12: Planning to Achieve Your Goals

I never planned on being a stay-at-home Mom. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to have a family, but I wanted to have a career as well.

As I sit here typing this, I have a glimpse of my son on the couch in the other room. He is still in his pajamas because when I tried to get him dressed for the day, he said “No mama. Pajamas first.” So we’re going with it.

Right now, he is entertaining himself. He grabbed a few books, his beloved stuffed kitty, the bottle of milk that he has been nursing for the last hour and a blanket to cover his legs. He is quite a sight. Some days, though, I feel like it’s not enough. I’m not doing enough with my life. I teach 1 to 2 days a week, depending on the semester and I manage to find time to make art and show my work now and then. But mostly I am home with him. Something I never thought I wanted. But now, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

As far as achieving my goals, I think I am on a path to do that. But time and life experience has shown me that sometimes you need to stay open and flexible. Be aware of the unexpected opportunities that present themselves. You might not always achieve what you thought you wanted, but instead achieve what you need to.

A few of the things I plan to achieve:

• Have another child
• Develop a new body of work
• Experiment with the sculptural properties of paper
• Stay active with my sculpture (at least three shows a year)
• Have a studio outside of my home
• Become a full time Professor of Art (in 5 years)

And one goal from G, on our walk this morning:

• "I wanna touch the birdies." (Pretty good goal if you ask me)
  

What do you plan to achieve?

Missing what is not there

Went to bed early.
Noticed his pillow wasn’t there and felt empty.
An unecessary sadness.
Memories of nights alone flooded in.
He was just downstairs..........

But he had taken his pillow.
***************************************
This morning, for the first time in two months, G asked to see Evan and Wyatt, friends from his previous daycare. It struck me then, that he does remember them. I had wondered, when they closed for reasons involving DCYF, if he would be sad not to see his friends anymore.

G was only there two days a week for eight months. I didn't really bond with any of the other mothers, so I haven't made an attempt to see anyone. Now I'm wondering if I should.

We both seem to be missing what's not there.

Please Don't

Dear G,
You are by far, my favorite 21 month old human.

Almost everything you do is adorable and makes my heart sing.

However, there are two recent behaviors I'd like to discuss.

• In the past few weeks, you have started taking offense to getting your diaper changed.

When I change you, you yell, "Dat's my PENIS! Dat's MY penis, Mama!" Followed by, "It's mine!"

Which of course I realize, but someone's got to clean it, right?

• Also, you have started yelling my name, WHILE, I am changing you.

This is especially of concern in public. I'll be changing your diaper in a public restroom and you start saying, "Mooooomm? Mooooooom?" As if I am a stranger and you are looking for your mother.

Don't get me wrong, you are great. But regarding the yelling during diaper changes, Please don't.

All my love,
Mama

Inappropriate...

1. Last week at story-time, a 10 month old baby was crawling around the floor.

G made his way over to the baby and when I finally noticed where he was, I heard the mother shooing him away. By the time I got close enough to see what was happening, G had a firm grasp on the baby's shirt sleeve. It took all I had just to pry his pudgy fingers from the sleeve.

When I picked him up, all he said was, "I wanna kiss the baby. I wanna kiss the baby."

We don't know the baby. Never even seen him before. Why this baby? Why now? Do I have a budding politician on my hands?

2. This weekend my father took G to visit his neighbor's horse, "Pickles." Later in the day G noticed B laying on his side on the floor. He climbed up on B's hip, started making "the galloping motion" with his body and said, "Giddy up Pickles."

3. If you have ever chaperoned a high school dance or even just watched MTV you will know what this is referring to. "so in-appropriate"

Serenity NOW!

This post is a response to Secret #11 in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 11: Subtracting Serenity Stealers

This week’s secret is about pinpointing and then eliminating that which prevents us from fulfilling our dreams, making art, pursuing joy. The first thing I thought of was the Seinfeld episode when George’s dad keeps yelling, “Serenity NOW!” Demanding what you want. What an interesting approach.

Jamie suggests looking at the following areas of your life, to see if you can get rid of at least one serenity stealer this week.

• clutter
• toxic people
• toxic situations
• limiting beliefs
• activities you dread
• over-committing
• over-scheduling
• over-stimulation
• perfectionism
• the outdated
• the "undone"
• habits that aren't serving you
  

For me:

Clutter: This is an area of my life that I am constantly battling with. I hate clutter and so I spend an inordinate amount of time tackling it just so I don’t have to see it. I’m sure there is a way that I could be more efficient with my attempt to rid our house and life of clutter.

Toxic People: Luckily I don’t really have any of these folks in my life.

Limiting beliefs: Just the ones that I impose upon myself, such as the fear of not being enough. I am working on this one all the time.

Activities you dread: Anything involving conflict.

Over-committing: If anything, I need to commit a little more.

Perfectionism: Yes. I tend to shy away from things that I’m not sure I’ll be the queen of.

The “undone”: Yes. I could work on finishing things in order. I tend to get distracted. While working on one task, I’ll switch and begin another. The unfinished tends to cause unnecessary stress.

So there you have it. These are the areas of my life that might be preventing me from having, “Serenity NOW!”

What’s standing in your way?

With Feeling

My childhood best friend and I used to play a lot of make believe.

When I got my first "real" camera, the Kodak disc 6000, around 6th grade, my friend and I used to pretend we were on photo shoots.

We would take turns being the photographer vs. the photographed, complete with outfit changes, special lighting and backdrops.

I remember saying things that I thought photographers said to bring out different emotions in their models when it was my turn to photograph.

Things like:

"Show me passion."
"Give me puppy dog eyes."
or
"Make love to the camera." (Not sure where I heard this one.)

When I found this print in Frank Chimero's flickr photostream, it immediately reminded me of something I would have said while pretending to be a film director. And I love the colors and texture.

Suckers for a "Bargain"

I. LOVE. A good bargain. B might like them even more, so together we’re usually pretty thrifty.

**********************
A few weeks ago my sister called to ask if I wanted to go shopping at the outlets the weekend of March 14th/15th. Someone at work had given her a friends and family rewards card, that rewarded the holder of the card with an ADDITIONAL 30% off any and all purchases at Old Navy, Gap AND Banana Republic. The last two stores being in my top 10, I was very interested.

We met at the outdoor mall type outlets on Sunday, March 15th, one of the first gorgeous days of the year. There was a line, just to get in the humongous parking lot, and we worried we might not have the fortitude for the crowds. But, we got two parking spots right next to each another, not too far from the action and decided to brave it.

Three hours later we were both happy with our purchases and felt we’d gotten our money’s worth. Most of the inventory was already marked down 20 to 30%, so combined with our friends and family card we were saving 50 to 60%. I got two pairs of nice pants to replace the maternity ones I’m still wearing, almost two years later. I’ve lost all the baby weight, but my stuff is distributed differently now.

****************************
While I shopped the outlets, my husband hung with G, did some yard work and talked with our neighbors for the first time since everyone retreated inside for winter.

Our neighbor is a landscaper, contractor, all around handy man, so B tends to ask his opinion on most home-related projects. Our dirt pile of a lawn that B has re-seeded each of the five Springs we’ve lived here, seems to be an endless source of aggravation and reason to keep seeking his advice. The first advice we received was to put in underground sprinklers. “You need water to keep the grass green,” he said.

We disregarded his advice. Too expensive we thought. Not worth it for our “starter home.” Each summer we try manually running a sprinkler and moving it around the yard, but inevitably give up in July, have brown grass by August and need to re-seed in the spring. To make matters worse, all of the neighborhood squirrels got together back in the Fall and chose to bury ALL their nuts in OUR yard and right now, it looks like an exploded minefield with empty holes and little piles of dirt everywhere.

When said neighbor suggested for the fifth time that we should think about putting in an underground sprinkler system, B was interested. And when he said work is slow right now and he has a few friends that would do the work for next to nothing……… Being the sucker for a bargain that he is, B was even more interested.

And that is when the miscommunication happened.

So we have half the job DONE. Now we have to decide what to do about the rest of it.

We may just roll up our sleeves and finish it ourselves.

The Saga Continues

Wow. I don't even know what to say right now or even where to start.

Apparently we have an overly eager neighbor who DOES NOT go by the book.

A casual conversation regarding how to get lush green grass spiraled out of control without us even knowing it.

While talking this weekend, B said "get us an estimate for the work" and my neighbor heard, "get your guys over here to do the work, WHEN WE ARE NOT here."

Last night, again we said, "We need numbers before any more work is done." Then, this morning I took G to daycare and went to the gym. When I returned, they were back again. And a new water pump was in place.

So, B has now talked to the neighbor and we finally made it clear that we do NOT want any more work done without proper communication.

I am somewhat furious, mainly because we/I was not consulted.

We found out that at this point we owe a nominal amount of money for the job they did. But in order to benefit from the work they have done so far, more work needs to be done. Clearly we need to talk to our neighbor again. But this time we might need to be FIRM.

It's a classic case of miscommunication, but I'm not sure it's over.

Mysterious Yard Work Fairies

Unknown men (two of them) are outside my house, right now, putting in a well that will support an underground sprinkler system.

I did not call them. Did not sign a contract for this work. I have never even seen these two people before.

I told them that my husband and I had not decided we wanted this work done. They said, "Don't worry about it. Your neighbor asked us to do this, so we'll take it up with him."

WHAT ?!$%^&

Do we have yard work fairies who are doing this for free?

Not likely. One of the first things they teach you in business school is, "There is no such thing as a FREE LUNCH."

Stubbing my toe at the gym

Dropped off G at daycare and headed straight for the treadmill.

Did my 40 minutes. ("training" for a 5k at the end of April)

Half way through, I spotted an old "friend." We haven't talked in over a year.

I have seen her at the gym many times and neither of us have gone over to talk to the other. Weird. I assumed she didn't want to be friends anymore. What grade am I in? Seriously? Having a child has made me feel like I'm back in middle school, negotiating the various social circles. And not well, I might add. I just never saw the point.

I stretched, started toward the locker room and she approached me. It was awkward at first, maybe just for me.

And then, we talked for a full half hour, like we've been buds all along. I feel like I just stubbed my toe and the world is laughing at me.

G has no trouble making friends. No trouble at all.

What is my issue? Do I over think things? Was all the weirdness in my head?

Go after what you want........and stick with it

This post is a response to Secret #10 in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 10: Living in Abundance with Positive Priorities

Back in February I wrote a post about ONE of my all time favorite quotes.

"It showed some originality and energy to have devised such a life."

I found this quote in 1998, and it is either by, or about, the 19th century English writer, Isabella Bird. She was a unique woman, who was more interested in traveling and experiencing different cultures than settling down in Britain.

I happened upon the quote during a time in my life when I was reevaluating who I was and what I wanted out of life. I had just graduated with a degree in business and knew I needed to find a new path, a more suitable career for me.

The quote helped me gain this perspective:

Life is about making choices.
Those choices eventually become a pattern and define who you are.
Who you are, is not limited to who you were.
Pushing through uncertainty and doubt are inevitable.
And ultimately, where you will find beauty.

A life of abundance is full of risk-taking.
Go after what you want.
And stick with it.

First Sign

This morning I saw the first sign of crocuses in my neighbor's yard.

Baby is napping.

The windows are all open.

Doing laundry and washing the woodwork.

Cat sits by the open window and sniffs crisp, fresh air.

Sun streams in the French door just behind me, and rests on my back. Warm.

Blue sky behind the still skeleton-like trees.

Grilling chicken kabobs, ON THE GRILL, tonight.

Company coming.

Spring is too.

Missing: Evening Sanity

Where has my little angel, who falls asleep after one book and a kiss, gone?

Seriously, has anyone else noticed that Daylight Savings Time messes with toddlers in a unique and oh, so evening stealing kind of way, or is it just me? The time change has rendered G unrecognizable at bedtime.

Before the change he would start to suck his thumb around 6:30 or 7 and then be sound asleep, at the latest, by 8pm. For the past three nights he’s asked for more books, just one more, pretended he pooped, begged to go downstairs, wiggled, wrestled and punched us, all to avoid bedtime. He seems to get this burst of energy around 8pm and it really needs to stop.

No barefoot chickens, please.

B is really good at most of the things he does.

Back rubs are not one of them.

He loves receiving them but he hates giving them. Occasionally I’ll ask him for a back rub, hoping it will feel nice and relaxing, the way a loving touch between a husband and wife should. However, when I AM able to convince him, I’m quickly reminded of why I rarely ask. The pressure that he applies is either too hard in all the wrong places or too sharp and pinching, as if a chicken was walking barefoot across your back.

A few nights ago we were preparing the bath. G, clad only in a diaper, was sitting on B’s lap and I was filling the tub. I looked over to see B, with his adult male hands, attempting to give G a back rub. The whole time B was “lovingly” massaging his son’s shoulders, G was wincing, trying to pull away, saying, “No Dada! WHHHYYYYYY? Why Dada?”

Just another reminder that it might be time to take a massage class. It would be so nice to know that we could ask for a back rub if we wanted one.

Peanut butter jelly time!

When G came into the world 21 months ago, we found turning daily activities and conversations into songs made everything go a little smoother. G likes singing and dancing and when both are involved, he is more apt to go along with any suggestion.

A few months ago, while making a peanut butter jelly sandwich for G at my parent’s house, my sister started singing a song that has since become a family favorite. It’s one of those songs that stick in your head and seep into everything you do. We are constantly changing the words so we can sing the song in the context of whatever we are doing at the time.

Initially, we didn’t know all the lyrics to the song and my sister couldn’t remember where she heard it, so we went to Google for some answers. As soon as B typed the refrain and hit return we had tons of YouTube videos to choose from. Apparently, it’s popular enough to have many spoofs, including one from The Family Guy.

Here is the original video:



G enjoys the dance immensely and has taken to noticing references to it almost everywhere.

The stuffed Goofy that came in my husband's box of Fruit Loops and P.D. Eastman's, Are You My Mother?.


What do you have stuck in your head lately?

How bad do you want it?

This post is a response to Secret # 9 in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 9: Transcending Rejection and Roadblocks

At this point in my life and my artistic career, I know myself pretty well. I know that when I set my mind to do something, it most likely will not be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. That has been my experience anyways. And, I have found that I do not appreciate or really enjoy the easy things nearly as much as the things that have been hard.

It took six years, many adventures, numerous differences of opinion, joyous times and uncertain sad times, for me to realize wholeheartedly, without a doubt that B is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I chose him. He chose me. And we know that with all good things there is work to do. Maintenance that we must attend to, to keep our relationship functioning at it’s best. There will be more roadblocks but we are ready for them.

Fully embracing my life as an artist took a similar if not longer path into being. There was much inner questioning, heartache, rejection, fear of paying the bills and general insecurity. But, with the support of my best friends and family, I get closer every day to being the person I always wanted to be.

Currently, I struggle with how to maintain my artistic pursuits while being a mother. This is one of my greatest and most challenging roadblocks to date, mainly because it is so important for me to be my best, at both.

Somewhere along the way, I adopted the following mottos to help me push through the roadblocks.

If it were EASY everyone would do it.

and

Rejection is just another way of asking, “How bad do you really want this and what are you willing to do to get it?”

A little goes a long way

I have gotten into the habit of applying brownish black L’Oreal eyeliner to my lower lashline before I feel comfortable leaving the house. It makes me feel a bit more “put together.” I think it emphasizes my eyes and makes me look more awake.

Even though I am a 3/5 time stay-at-home Mom, on the days I’m home with G I’d like to look like I didn’t JUST roll out of bed and throw on some clothes. You know, I put on some eyeliner, too.

This morning, after my shower, when I usually apply the eyeliner, I remembered that I put it in my “school bag” yesterday, in case I needed to reapply during one of my 12 hours away from the house. I teach on Wednesday’s and yesterday was a particularly long day.

So, I finished getting ready, G woke up and we went downstairs for breakfast.

I put him in his high chair, gave him his bottle and headed for my bag. I took out the liner, started to apply it and G needed something. I placed in on a chair and attended to his need.

Thirty minutes later, G was done eating and out of his high chair. I was cleaning dishes and suddenly noticed there was no sound coming from the next room. G was in there hanging out and I, conveniently for him, had left the liner on a chair, at toddler height.

I found him sitting on the rug, which happens to be brown, with the pencil liner in his right hand and brown streaks covering the entire palm of his left hand.

“It’s ALL OVER me,” he said somewhat questioningly.

“Yes. That will happen when you RUB IT ALL OVER yourself,” I thought to myself, as I took the liner from his clenched right hand.

And before I could say anything he asked, “What happened?” in the cutest little 21 month-old voice that ever was.

First days

Today is G's first day at his new daycare.

He was so excited. I was very nervous.

We spent an hour there on Friday to get him used to the kids, the environment and his new teacher. So this morning when I said, "Do you want to go to school?" He knew exactly what I was talking about and started naming everyone he could remember. And then, when I bent down to kiss him as I was going to leave, he turned away to go find the fire engine.

His first day seems to have been much harder on me.

The little things

Feeling 95% better than yesterday.

B went to work and G and I decided to take it easy today and just hang around the house. I should say, I decide to hang around the house, because every 20 minutes G tried to convince me that we should do otherwise.

With his almost perfect technique, (Combine a tiny smirk, unrelenting eye contact, compulsive nodding and repeated stating of request followed by an incessant, “Yeah? Yeah?”) he ran through many options.

“Library? Mia’s house? Children’s Museum? Gym? Yeah? Yeah?”

I have to give him credit for trying.

Since we did not go out, as we usually do on Tuesday mornings, we had time to fold a bit of the laundry that had piled up from the weekend. As I folded, G entertained himself by trying on the soon to be folded clothes. On and off, each item went until he got to a certain article that he could not get enough of.

“Beautiful pants. Beautiful pants.” I hear him saying, and look over to see him struggling to get both legs into his father’s navy blue boxer briefs.

Beautiful, huh? I’ve always thought it nice when people find beauty in the little things, but this makes me wonder about the definition of little.

"Classic puke and rally."

Curled in the fetal position on the couch, I’m on the Internet only because I can’t sleep and I’ve always found daytime television depressing. I need something to distract me from how achy, nauseous and feverish I feel.

The weekend started out just fine, turned slightly nasty, seemed to be okay and ended in despair.

Saturday
4am: B woke up to catch the Ski Trip bus at the school where he is an Assistant Principal.

7am: I wake up, shower, eat and get ready for our trip to my sister’s for Game Night.

7:45am: G wakes up.

12pm: All packed, G and I get in the car to go.

1:30pm: 10 minutes away from my sister’s house I hear coughing, look in the rear view mirror and see at least a 1/2 gallon of yellowish, green puke pouring out of G’s mouth.

Stunned, neither of us says a word for about 30 seconds. Then G mutters, “Throw up? I puked!”

Trying to reassure him I say softly, “I know sweetie, it’s alright. We’ll be there soon and Mama will clean it up.”

I call my sister to tell her the situation. “What do you need us to do?” she asks.

“Just get the tub ready.”

I pull in her driveway, park and am met by her amazing husband, who helps me get G out of the car seat, who is crying now, repeating the same sentence over and over. “I puked. Mama will clean it. Mama will clean it.”

I/we DO clean it and after a bath and a new set of clothes, he seems fine, back to normal. Was it carsickness? A fluke gag reflex? We assume everything is fine.

4:30pm: Everyone shows up for Game Night and G is psyched. Playing like everything is just grand.

5:30pm: G pukes on my sister’s rug in the living room and a piece of Grace’s Thomas the Train wooden track.

We wash him up again and he dances around with joy.

“Classic puke and rally,” Greg says.

Still hoping it is just a gag reflex and not a contagious stomach bug,

G is fine for the remainder of the party and sleeps through the night.

Sunday
Morning: We all wake up, have a nice breakfast and leave for our respective homes.

Afternoon and evening: Uneventful

Monday
7am: Wake up to nausea and aches. It turns out to be diarrhea, that lasts all morning,

10am: My sister calls to say she’s been in the bathroom all morning with diarrhea and vomiting.

10:30am I call my parents, who were there as well, and find out my mother has been stricken with it too.

11am: I call my other sister to find out that at least she feels relatively fine.

I feel so bad, even though I know there’s nothing I could have done. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up to Spring-time health for everyone.

Silver lining: We got 7 inches of snow, so school was canceled and B is home to help.