New perspective

Tomorrow we're headed North.

B, G and I are going to the coast of Maine and then to the lakes of New Hampshire. Not sure what kind of internet connection we'll have up there, so I won't be posting much, if at all. Have a great week and I'll be back with renewed perspective and a few stories to tell.

Pray for good weather, please.

14 weeks

From the moment I found out, I was preoccupied with concern. The constant worry subsided a bit at 10 weeks when B and I saw and heard the heartbeat. Up until then I was feeling physically fine, just very emotional and suddenly around 10 1/2 weeks, I started experiencing extreme nausea. A few days later I got a cold, and for a week straight, felt like I was going to die. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. It was bad.

Then, as quickly as it arrived, at 12 weeks on the nose, the nausea and cold were gone. And again, I was worried. Why did it end so abruptly. I thought something must be wrong. I fought the urge to call my midwife every day because I didn't have any signs that something was really wrong.

Yesterday B and I saw my midwife for the 14 week checkup and she scolded me for not calling.

"Never sit home and worry." she said. "Now let's listen for this heartbeat."

She squeezed some jelly on the Doppler wand and began sliding it around the little ponch that has begun to form in my lower abdomen.

Nothing at first.

"Remember we're looking for a little fish in a big pond," she said, trying to ease our worries.

Then she found it. Loud and clear and fast. I was surprised when my eyes immediately filled with tears and the lump in my throat made it hard to talk. I felt so relieved.

I'm glad I didn't call two weeks ago. If this is going to be, it's going to be and I want to stop obsessing over every twinge. I need to let go of that which I have no control over and focus on the things I can do now.

Like spend time with my son and make some sculpture.

Too heavy

For a variety of reasons, the main one being that nausea and exhaustion left me feeling like ass and it was all I could do to keep going and get the bare minimum done, I think I failed to pick up on the noteworthy things coming out of G's mouth over the past few months.

Over the past few weeks, however, I have begun to feel like I can operate in the world of the living once again, and I have begun to take notice.

Last weekend our friend Graham participated in a Half Ironman that ended with the run portion in Providence. G, B and I all went with his wife, Alison, to cheer him on. We stayed in one spot on the sidewalk for about an hour to see him do the same loop twice, cheering on all the runners as they passed.

G loved it, eagerly clapping, giving the thumbs up and an occasional high five. It was truly inspiring to watch so many people of all different ages accomplish such a great physical challenge. We saw a 73 year old man run by and I got chills just thinking of him finishing the 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike and 13.1 mile run.

The second and final time we saw Graham run by, we said bye to Alison as she left to meet him at the finish line, and we took G home for his nap.

In the car on the way home, G and B had the following conversation.

G: "Where'd Alison go? Where is she?"
B: "She went to pick up Graham at the finish line."
G: "He's too heavy."

It's good to be back.

Eye contact is a must

To the woman in the park:

Hi. You seem nice and your son is very cute, but those sunglasses are a real turn off.

Seriously, it was overcast with the occasional, and I mean VERY occasional spot of sun today and you never once took off your glasses. You didn't even do the courteous thing of wearing them like a headband when we were talking. I'm an eye contact kind of person. I learn a lot from looking people in the eyes. As it stands, I don't even feel like we actually met today.

Also, your lenses have a tiny area that is not tinted, so every now and then I got a glimpse of the corner of your eyeball as we spoke. And that was just plain creepy.

If we meet again, I hope it's under better circumstances.

Kid's got a point

A few nights ago, at B's parents lake house, we set out for an evening stroll. G, apparently knowing he was tired, looked at B's father and asked, "Papa, do you have a stroller?"

No stroller, but they had a wagon.

G jumped in and eagerly waited for B to start pulling. Three minutes into the walk, B turned to G and said, "Wanna switch? I'll get in and you can pull me."

Without hesitation, G decisively replied, "No."

When B asked a second time G gave the same answer.

Assuming G would like the idea if he actually had a chance to try it, B picked him up, out of the wagon and before he had even set him on the ground, G declared, "No, Dada. THAT'S not nice."

It always catches me off guard when he throws our words right back in our faces, in context.

New beginning

Well, it looks like the waiting I was talking about a few months ago, has turned into a new kind of waiting.

Two months ago I was waiting to take a pregnancy test and now I find myself waiting for my next appointment. I'm 12 weeks along but still waiting for reassurance that this new life I'm growing is okay. I had a miscarriage back in November, so I am acutely aware of how fragile a process this is and I can't shake the feeling that something could happen, at any time, for any reason.

Each ultrasound I've had, three in total, has been fine, GREAT, in fact. The baby is measuring well, heartbeat is strong and still I worry. I had a horrible bout of sickness last week on top of some of the worst nausea I've ever experienced and then on Monday morning I woke up feeling great. Energy returned, nausea pretty much gone. My first thought was, oh no, something is wrong. I know I should be positive, not assume the worst, and most of the time I am, but it's hard.

I think once I can feel the baby move, which I did A LOT with G, I will feel more at ease. I just hope that day comes soon.