12 PAIR

Hello.

2011-02-19T09:01:00.011-05:00

I'm back. I'm starting again. Anew........ Fresh.

I could really use a fresh start. This winter has been a long one and it's not even March. I've got my fingers crossed that the little rodent is right and we're going to have an early SPRING! That would be truly wonderful.

As part of my renewal, I attended a yoga class last night with a dear friend and this was written on the wall near the changing room.

What you practice gets stronger,

What you focus on, gets bigger,

What you keep doing is who you become.

Here's to being the person we want.. need... and were meant........ to be. OH. and Spring? Please come quickly.

Wow.

2010-05-13T20:36:00.003-04:00

I am thoroughly awed by this amazing sixth grader. It makes me wonder what I've been doing with my time for the past 35 years........And kind of makes me want to throw out my T.V.

This might be the motivation I needed to get back into the studio.

Because they're important....

2010-05-01T20:53:00.003-04:00

We've started a little tradition involving mealtime. Before we dive into our dinner, B, G and I hold hands and share something that we are grateful for. G usually goes first and says something like, "I'm grateful for my dinner, my Dada (and if I'm lucky sometimes), Mama."

Just the act of holding my son and husband's hands and looking into their eyes, has become one of my favorite parts of the day.

Yesterday we had our friends and their two daughters over for a backyard BBQ and we told them about our dinner ritual. They thought it sounded nice so we all held hands and went around the circle. When their 7 year old daughter took her turn, she proudly announced that she was grateful for, "Natural resources." We all paused, taking a moment to ponder this wise statement, and she filled the silence with, "Because they're important."

Looking for answers

2010-04-22T20:03:00.004-04:00

Tonight, just after dinner, we saw a rainbow outside the window. Not this one exactly, but one very similar to it. Immediately, I hoped it was an answer. A sign of what to do, signaling an end to this swirling mess of indecision and doubt that has been clouding our time together.

B has the week off from school and almost every moment has been filled with heavy discussions about what to do with our house and consequently, our lives. Renovate and stay? Do the bare minimum and sell? If sell, then where do we move? or Do minimal work and stay, saving money until some great opportunity presents itself?

We are completely perplexed by this situation, which probably means we should just chill out, make minor improvements and wait for some clarity. Right?

Do you ever.......

2010-04-08T14:22:00.002-04:00

get the feeling that your life is turning out to be exactly as it should be, yet completely opposite from how you thought it would be?

Having one son, let alone two, just scratches the surface of things that are not as I might have imagined. When my 15...20....25 year old self thought about what my soon to be 35 year old self would be up to, it was so different, yet this feels exactly right.

So much to write about, so little time to write it.

Hmmm. Right you are my son.

2010-02-25T15:00:00.004-05:00

I usually drive a 1998 four-door Honda Civic. For the last month I have been driving my husbands car, a Subaru Outback wagon, because it's easier with two kids as it is higher off the ground and has a key ring locking system.

Today, while driving around doing errands, G nicely asked for Elizabeth Mitchell's song, "Little Bird, Little Bird."

I did a quick, superficial scan for the cd and abruptly said, "It's not here honey, it must be in Dad's car."

To which he responded, "But this IS Dad's car, keep looking."

2 is infinitely harder

2010-02-05T13:21:00.005-05:00

Both children are sleeping. At. The. Same. Time.

I feel like a deer in the headlights. Afraid to breathe, afraid to move, for I might alert them to my presence and interrupt this perfect peacefulness.

How did I ever think that having one was hard?

A little perspective

2010-01-27T14:03:00.002-05:00

I recently heard this for the first time and it is exactly what I needed to hear.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

time....

2010-01-07T08:30:00.003-05:00

Wishing I had the time and the head space to write the Christmas birth story.

If only G would sleep past 4 am............

One day at a time.

Here!

2009-12-29T09:41:00.003-05:00

At 10:46am on Christmas morning I pushed E, our second son, into the world.

I got the natural vaginal birth that I wanted and it was all so surreal.

Details to follow........

Excerpt from Momma Zen's new book

2009-12-15T13:03:00.003-05:00

The truth and sincere beauty of her words just made me cry. If this book is anything like her previous one, it should be worth it. Her new book, which is not actually out yet, is called Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an ordinary life.

You really should listen to this.

No sleep......

2009-12-10T09:26:00.005-05:00

Wow. Another night of being jolted awake at all hours of the night by our "adorable" 2 1/2 year old.

Transitioning to the big boy bed has been hard on all of us.

NOW, off to Target, to buy a padlock.........

Any advice on how to make this go a little smoother?

Pregnant

2009-12-01T21:09:00.003-05:00

Anish Kapoor's 1992 sculpture titled, When I am Pregnant, aptly illustrates how I feel right now.

all belly
full with anticipation
eager to see the face and know the sex of this little being
that is still only such a blur
i AM pregnant
probably for the last time
and, although i am excited for it to be over.....the aches, and largeness
it is such an amazing and wonderful experience
to be pregnant

small victories

2009-11-17T16:48:00.003-05:00

I ran upstairs to go to the bathroom while G watched Word World on the couch downstairs, by himself. Rather abruptly, I heard him running back and forth.

From upstairs I yelled: "G, what are you doing?"

G: "Eating a cookie. That's what I'm doing."

Me: "Well, I hope you're sitting at the table, at least."

I walked downstairs to find him sitting at the table with crumbs all around. At least he followed the "no eating anywhere but the table" rule.........

Addendum to the weeks highlights

2009-11-13T15:45:00.003-05:00

#1.....Showing up for the Lobster Newburg, Veteran's Day luncheon at my parents house to find my 82 year old, balding Uncle in a wig. He was dressed normally, except for the well-made, grey ladies wig he wore on his head.

I initially thought he didn't realize that his new "toupe" was a ladies wig. But I quickly found out that it was a joke and part of a larger costume that involved a black t-shirt, shades, a white glove and a homemade washtub base for group sing time after dinner.

My family has definitely loosened up since the days when we could not even giggle at the dinner table.

How was your Veteran's Day?

A few highlights from the week so far......

2009-11-10T14:47:00.005-05:00

1. Hysterical laughter from G while reading Amy Krouse Rosenthal's, Little Pea. If you love hearing your toddler laugh uncontrollably, I highly recommend this book.

2. Reading this months Sculpture magazine and in it, the interview with Rachel Perry Welty. These two quotes made me stop and think.

-"they are not representational. I hope that they merely suggest."

-"the world belongs to the articulate."

Conversations I'd rather not have, #1

2009-10-29T20:37:00.005-04:00

G: IS that a COOKIE?

Me: NO. No, G. THAT is not a cookie. Now get out of the bath tub so I can clean it.

Lesson learned: Never make your son laugh hysterically while taking a bath. Save the good jokes for before or after, when they've got a diaper on.

Chivalry is not dead

2009-10-22T10:09:00.003-04:00

Me: G, will you be a big help and pick up that Cheerio and put it in the trash, please?

G (staring at the Cheerio): What Cheerio?

Me: The one, right in front of you, on the floor. Please pick it up and throw it in the trash.

G: Okay. Sure. I'd love. (stammering a bit) I'd love to help you Mama.

No joke. That is what he said.

I had a dream that baby #2 was a boy. I wonder if I am destined to be surrounded by men.

Pigs and pregnancy

2009-10-12T09:37:00.005-04:00

The past few weeks my belly has really begun to grow and my choice of pants to wear has dwindled from MANY to five. I had to buy a few longer shirts to accomodate the growth as well. At 27 weeks along, most people tell me, "Oh, you look so petite or small." But I feel quite big and cumbersome.

Thursday night B was out playing basketball for the evening. As I squatted down to wipe G's face after dinner he immediately ran behind me, threw his arms around my neck and climbed up on my back saying,

"Mama, I want to ride you like a pig."

Now, I don't usually think of myself as being sensitive about the weight gain, but I've gotta admit my first thought was, "My 2 year old is calling me fat."

My second thought was, "What is he talking about, people don't ride PIGS."

I had to share this with someone and B was out for the night, so I called my sister.

It was only in the retelling of the story that I realized what G was talking about.

He wanted a piggy back ride........

Wishing.......

2009-10-08T14:54:00.003-04:00

I had the answer. Or even just a relatively strong gut feeling.

For the past two months I have been consumed with the pursuit of natural childbirth after a C-Section. I am determined to push this little human growing inside of me out of my body by myself, without the aide of pitocin, a vaccum, forceps or a knife. It has become my latest obsession. I have read incessantly, talked with everyone I can think of and read numerous blogs and mothering forums.

We interviewed four doulas and chose the best one for us. She has been wonderful so far with advice on books, finding the right care provider and just plain supportive of any random question I might have.

I've decided to leave the midwife practice I've been seeing ever since I was pregnant with G because they feel much more medical minded than I am comfortable with. They think like OB's and deliver at the hospital with the highest c-section rate in Rhode Island.

In the pursuit of a new health care provider, I have interviewed another midwife practice that delivers at a different hospital, a homebirth midwife and a family physician/OB. The OB has been ruled out.

My gut says my best chances for a natural birth are at home but my brain is worried about the one trillionth chance of complications and the fact that I won't technically have any connection to a liscenced health care professional. The homebirth midwife IS a professional, and in my opinion has more experience (27 years) than anyone I've interviewed, BUT she is a CPM (not a CNM) and RI does not recognize them, so she can not write perscriptions or even legally deliver a baby in the state.

I am so torn and eager to make the decision. I would like to go back to focusing on other topics in my life, such as making some art before #2 arrives or maybe just planning dinner.

I have given myself until tomorrow to decide. It's just getting that ridiculous and I am 26 weeks along now so I feel the urge to have this nailed down.

What do I do about the fact that neither option feels perfect?

Awesome Stuff!

2009-10-06T19:04:00.000-04:00

I stumbled upon this book during a late night (9pm) trip to Urban Outfitters with two of my gal pals, after a lovely evening of dinner and an art show.

After briefly flipping through the illustrations in the store, I sensed there was something special about the book, but decided not to buy it because I have a constant and at times debilitating fear of buyers remorse. But anyways.

When I got home from Urban Outfitters, that night, I did a search for it on the web , found the website and decided I had to buy it.

This book really is awesome! The first time I read it to G, I teared up.

You should check it out.

Not knowing

2009-09-22T13:58:00.006-04:00

We have decided not to find out whether we are having a girl or a boy.

On some days however, I really want to know. People always ask, "Do you know what you're having?" And when I say, "NO, we're waiting", they say, "Oh you must really want a girl." And you know what? I don't REALLY want a girl. Actually, I want a boy so G can have a brother and I want a girl so B and I can have the experience of knowing what it is like to be the parents of a girl.

Either way we will be thrilled. And all we really care about is if this little human is healthy. That is all that truly matters.

But some days, I just wish I knew.

And then again, there is something fun about NOT knowing.

Prenatal Yoga

2009-09-21T15:51:00.007-04:00

Phone conversation with my NOT pregnant sister, C.

Me: When does that Yoga class, you said you signed up for, start?
C: Next Tuesday.
Me: (apparently mumbling) I should sign up for one. A prenatal course.
C: NO!
Me: What do you mean? Why not?
C: I'm beyond the beginner level.
C: And, I will not be the one NOT pregnant girl.

She thought I was trying to insinuate that she needed to take the prenatal course because it would be easier for her.

What girls are good for......

2009-09-17T16:02:00.003-04:00

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of preparations and getting back into our Fall routine. Oh, and the evenings have been filled with scrounging up every last episode of the not yet officially released MAD MEN, Season Three. B has a way of just finding them on the internet, albeit cruddy copies but copies none-the-less. You could say that we are addicted. The last episode we were able to watch, all but the last 10 minutes, was the one where Betty gives birth. As a woman who is about to head down that road in 17 weeks or so, if you haven't seen it yet, all I'll say is, it was horrifying. Just further motivation for me to take control of those things that I do have control over and make the process as natural as it can be, within reason of course.

With G at daycare two days a week, B's new school year in full swing, and me teaching two courses this semester, the lazy days of summer are over. I'm officially 23 weeks pregnant, physically feeling good and eager to meet this new human growing inside of me. But not too eager. I am soaking up these last few months with G and appreciating what I assume to be the ease of "just having one."

He recently made this funny yet potentially troublesome observation on gender roles.

*******************************************
My friend's daughter, M, born 8 days after G, is his best friend.

Last weekend, we had a small gathering at our house in which M attended. G and M played together all night. The next day at lunch B, G and I were sitting at the table when G told us:

"M fed me with her spoon yesterday. That was really nice."

After which, he proceeded to say:

"That's what girls are good for."
******************************

Maybe it's because I'm one of three girls, maybe it's that I'm 23 weeks pregnant, but if he wasn't only two years old, that would have been cause for a bit of a talking to.

Reunited

2009-08-31T08:07:00.003-04:00

Yesterday my parents, aka Nonni and Grampi, brought G home from a three day hiatus at their house. It was so good to have some time away, alone, but so much better to see him again. He looked older, taller, thinner and his hair looked longer. It's amazing how much you miss or just take for granted when you are with them all day, every day.

Turns out they had a great time together. G was a good guest and kept my parents laughing and on their toes.

Patience

2009-08-21T07:05:00.005-04:00

Lately I seem to be questioning much of what goes on with G. If he cries when we put him down to sleep, after numerous books and the normal routine, I wonder what is wrong. What am I not giving him that he needs.

If he is overly fussy I wonder why is he doing this to me. But deep down I know he is not doing it to me. He is just doing it because tantrums and testing and stretching the limits are all developmentally appropriate right now. It is still hard to take, but talking about it helps. I know that I have to work through this stage with him as a patient, loving, consistent parental figure who gives him room to be and gently guides him toward appropriate behavior, however long it takes. Not easy.

I just finished an amazing book called Momma Zen: Walking the crooked path of Motherhood, by Karen Maezen Miller. It was just what I needed, when I needed it. She talked about the tantrums and suggested looking at yourself for clues as to why they might be happening in the moment that they are happening. See what you might be doing or not doing to contribute. Give yourself a timeout by going into another room (if it is safe to leave the child, of course) and let them know when they are calm, they should come get you. I love that idea.

It already worked once, maybe just at calming me down, but hey, that counts.

This parenting thing is a constant exercise in being open and patient.

Of note, this week

2009-08-14T07:49:00.007-04:00

A few things of note, that occurred over the past week; a bulleted list.

Came, THIS, close to getting a black eye from the reverse head-butt my two year old landed on my left cheek, while I tried to put him to sleep, during our first night of camping last weekend.
Discovering the Fantastic Umbrella Factory in Charlestown, RI. It's like a little piece of San Francisco in Rhode Island. Haight Street meets Armistead Maupin's, Tales of the City.
Watching my two year old son "breastfeed" his beloved "Kitty." Overheard: "What's that? You want some milk, Kitty? Okay. Here you go. (as he lifts Kitty's mouth to his bare nipple)

It's been an interesting week.

We're off to Crane's Beach in Ipswich, MA this weekend. Should be another story-filled two days.

Doulas and Jesus

2009-08-12T06:50:00.005-04:00

In an attempt to better my chances of having a VBAC (G was born via emergency c-section) B and I have decided to hire a doula. We've met three of the four women that I have scheduled interviews with and Man is this difficult. They each seem great in their own ways.

I can't seem to separate my feelings about them as people in order to discern whether or not I think I'll feel comfortable being naked and totally vulnerable in front of them. I like them all. How can I know who I will want there to comfort and support me when I am actually in labor? It's almost like I'm searching for the right religion. Maybe I'm putting too much on this.

Speaking of religion. Two nights ago we began the night time routine of wrestling G into his pj's. Trying to empower G to take part in the process, I said, "G it's time for your pajamas. Can you take your shirt off?"

When he did not respond, I said, "Okay, let me take your shirt off. Arms up."

To which he responded by raising his arms and saying, "Arms up for Jesus!"

B and I have never said this to him. My sister said it the first time she heard us ask G to put his "arms up," and she has said it, maybe, four or five times since, over the course of a year and a half.

Here's to hoping that one of us finds him.

A little different.

2009-08-06T14:50:00.005-04:00

Being at the ocean always does something for my soul. My family has been vacationing at the same beach in Maine for 25 years and it never fails to refresh my outlook. There were a few years in, and slightly after, college that I did not go with them, but now I would not miss the chance to bring my son to the beach where my parents, sisters and I have such fond memories.

Our vacation was everything that a good week and a half away should be. It was relaxing, fun, stressful at times and ultimately, gave me the perspective I needed. It was great to be away and great to come home. I love the first night back when we prepare our own meal, sleep in our own bed and snuggle with our overly affectionate cats.

Everything feels a little different. New.
**********************************
I have officially settled into "being" pregnant. I'm showing much more than when I was 17 weeks along with G, which I know is normal, but it's still weird. I've started to feel the little life moving inside me, it's reassuring, exciting and creepy all at once.

While I type this G is napping upstairs in his new, low to the ground, twin bed. So, it seems the days of worrying whether or not he'll jump out of his crib are behind us. Last night we moved the crib aside, which gave my heart a jolt. Wait, didn't we just put this thing together for our unborn first child? I can't believe how fast two years have gone.

The first night went well. I checked on him once and then at 6:30 this morning we heard. "Hey. I'm in here." When I opened the door he was standing on the other side to greet me. He hadn't even tried to open the door to discover that we had mounted a child gate just outside, in case he decided to sleep walk.

New things are brewing and a new perspective has been achieved.....

For now anyways.

New perspective

2009-07-20T13:21:00.006-04:00

Tomorrow we're headed North.

B, G and I are going to the coast of Maine and then to the lakes of New Hampshire. Not sure what kind of internet connection we'll have up there, so I won't be posting much, if at all. Have a great week and I'll be back with renewed perspective and a few stories to tell.

Pray for good weather, please.

14 weeks

2009-07-15T07:55:00.003-04:00

From the moment I found out, I was preoccupied with concern. The constant worry subsided a bit at 10 weeks when B and I saw and heard the heartbeat. Up until then I was feeling physically fine, just very emotional and suddenly around 10 1/2 weeks, I started experiencing extreme nausea. A few days later I got a cold, and for a week straight, felt like I was going to die. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. It was bad.

Then, as quickly as it arrived, at 12 weeks on the nose, the nausea and cold were gone. And again, I was worried. Why did it end so abruptly. I thought something must be wrong. I fought the urge to call my midwife every day because I didn't have any signs that something was really wrong.

Yesterday B and I saw my midwife for the 14 week checkup and she scolded me for not calling.

"Never sit home and worry." she said. "Now let's listen for this heartbeat."

She squeezed some jelly on the Doppler wand and began sliding it around the little ponch that has begun to form in my lower abdomen.

Nothing at first.

"Remember we're looking for a little fish in a big pond," she said, trying to ease our worries.

Then she found it. Loud and clear and fast. I was surprised when my eyes immediately filled with tears and the lump in my throat made it hard to talk. I felt so relieved.

I'm glad I didn't call two weeks ago. If this is going to be, it's going to be and I want to stop obsessing over every twinge. I need to let go of that which I have no control over and focus on the things I can do now.

Like spend time with my son and make some sculpture.

Too heavy

2009-07-14T07:45:00.005-04:00

For a variety of reasons, the main one being that nausea and exhaustion left me feeling like ass and it was all I could do to keep going and get the bare minimum done, I think I failed to pick up on the noteworthy things coming out of G's mouth over the past few months.

Over the past few weeks, however, I have begun to feel like I can operate in the world of the living once again, and I have begun to take notice.

Last weekend our friend Graham participated in a Half Ironman that ended with the run portion in Providence. G, B and I all went with his wife, Alison, to cheer him on. We stayed in one spot on the sidewalk for about an hour to see him do the same loop twice, cheering on all the runners as they passed.

G loved it, eagerly clapping, giving the thumbs up and an occasional high five. It was truly inspiring to watch so many people of all different ages accomplish such a great physical challenge. We saw a 73 year old man run by and I got chills just thinking of him finishing the 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike and 13.1 mile run.

The second and final time we saw Graham run by, we said bye to Alison as she left to meet him at the finish line, and we took G home for his nap.

In the car on the way home, G and B had the following conversation.

G: "Where'd Alison go? Where is she?"
B: "She went to pick up Graham at the finish line."
G: "He's too heavy."

It's good to be back.

Eye contact is a must

2009-07-09T14:10:00.004-04:00

To the woman in the park:

Hi. You seem nice and your son is very cute, but those sunglasses are a real turn off.

Seriously, it was overcast with the occasional, and I mean VERY occasional spot of sun today and you never once took off your glasses. You didn't even do the courteous thing of wearing them like a headband when we were talking. I'm an eye contact kind of person. I learn a lot from looking people in the eyes. As it stands, I don't even feel like we actually met today.

Also, your lenses have a tiny area that is not tinted, so every now and then I got a glimpse of the corner of your eyeball as we spoke. And that was just plain creepy.

If we meet again, I hope it's under better circumstances.

Kid's got a point

2009-07-08T06:31:00.001-04:00

A few nights ago, at B's parents lake house, we set out for an evening stroll. G, apparently knowing he was tired, looked at B's father and asked, "Papa, do you have a stroller?"

No stroller, but they had a wagon.

G jumped in and eagerly waited for B to start pulling. Three minutes into the walk, B turned to G and said, "Wanna switch? I'll get in and you can pull me."

Without hesitation, G decisively replied, "No."

When B asked a second time G gave the same answer.

Assuming G would like the idea if he actually had a chance to try it, B picked him up, out of the wagon and before he had even set him on the ground, G declared, "No, Dada. THAT'S not nice."

It always catches me off guard when he throws our words right back in our faces, in context.

New beginning

2009-07-02T07:58:00.003-04:00

Well, it looks like the waiting I was talking about a few months ago, has turned into a new kind of waiting.

Two months ago I was waiting to take a pregnancy test and now I find myself waiting for my next appointment. I'm 12 weeks along but still waiting for reassurance that this new life I'm growing is okay. I had a miscarriage back in November, so I am acutely aware of how fragile a process this is and I can't shake the feeling that something could happen, at any time, for any reason.

Each ultrasound I've had, three in total, has been fine, GREAT, in fact. The baby is measuring well, heartbeat is strong and still I worry. I had a horrible bout of sickness last week on top of some of the worst nausea I've ever experienced and then on Monday morning I woke up feeling great. Energy returned, nausea pretty much gone. My first thought was, oh no, something is wrong. I know I should be positive, not assume the worst, and most of the time I am, but it's hard.

I think once I can feel the baby move, which I did A LOT with G, I will feel more at ease. I just hope that day comes soon.

Getting away

2009-06-29T11:40:00.002-04:00

Even though I was feeling 98.9% miserable the majority of the weekend, only part of the reason being the Flu symptoms, it was one of the best weekends I've had in a long time.

A few weeks ago my sister agreed to watch G for the weekend so B and I could go to a concert.

B took Friday off so we could get packed and miss traffic. Even though I was feeling horrendous, I was determined to make the best of it. Because, how often do we get an opportunity to go, AWAY, for the weekend?

Friday morning B did yard work and watched G while I lay on the couch nursing a headache and horrible all over aches and pains. After lunch we packed the car and headed to my sisters.

We stayed the night and the next morning woke up to a lovely breakfast of pancakes and real maple syrup. Is there any other syrup worth putting on your food? Aunt Jemima makes my stomach turn.

Then we packed again, kissed our boy goodbye and headed to Lenox, MA. At Tanglewood, the amazingly nestled concert venue, that feels like you're at a grand old summer home/estate, we saw Garrison Keillor do The Prairie Home Companion radio show.

I grew up having to listen on Saturday nights, my Dad has always been a fan, and then somewhere in my mid twenties I began to enjoy it myself. I remember listening to it in the sculpture studio on Saturday nights in grad school.

Well, seeing the show in person was profoundly more entertaining, exciting and enjoyable.

I loved every minute of it. And to top the night off, at B's suggestion we waited through the 1 1/2 hour encore to have Garrison sign our copy of his new book, which at first I thought was a bad idea. But then, not only was the show fantastically wonderful........

Martin Sheen was his special guest.
Steve Martin, who plays the banjo, was the musical guest
With a surprise appearance by Arlo Guthrie

.......we met Garrison Keillor, got our picture taken with him and he chatted me up about sculpture.

It was AWESOME. And just the kind of weekend that B and I needed to kick start summer and get us out of this routine rut that we've been in for the past few months.

Nothing like getting away from it all to give you a new perspective on all that you've got.

Hypochondriac

2009-06-24T13:34:00.006-04:00

I went to the doctor's this morning for a routine appointment.

While I was checking in, the receptionist said, "They're making us ask this, Do you currently have any symptoms of the Swine Flu?"

She paused, I stared at her and she finished with, "Such as chills, fever or a cough?"

I thought about it for a minute and said, "No."

She seemed to feel bad about having to ask, finished my paperwork and told me to have a seat in the waiting room. I sat there with three other adults and two children thinking about how many germs might be currently circulating in the air we were all breathing.

Now I am home with aches and pains and a headache.

Conflict Negotiator

2009-06-23T07:10:00.003-04:00

This weekend we drove to my parents house to celebrate Father's Day. On the way there, B and I got into an argument and as usual I was the one who got emotional and raised my voice.

Two sentences into my point, G said "Mama, COME down! COME down!"

I stopped trying to make my point and turned to look at him in the back. Not sure what he was saying I asked, "What do you mean, come down?"

When he repeated it a third time I understood.

"Okay, G. You're right. I will calm down. I'm sorry."

And then he followed up with, "Just be patient, Mama."

I think we might have a Conflict Negotiator or Zen Master in our midst.

Wishing.......

2009-06-22T15:59:00.003-04:00

......we had a personal chef. I LOVE to eat, but would rather be doing almost anything other than cooking. Like cleaning the toilet, even.

......it would STOP raining. Seriously. Green grass is nice, but this is a bit much.

......I had a great book to read. Just finished one that I loved, The Bright Side of Disaster, and now I'm jonesing for another page turner. Any suggestions?

Discipline

2009-06-18T07:03:00.000-04:00

Throughout my pregnancy and the early stages of motherhood I read a lot. I read books on fetal development, caring for an infant and the timing of milestones from 0 to 12 months. For a year or so now, I have not touched a parenting book, instead I just go with my gut OR talk to a friend.

Lately, I have been thinking it's time to find some good books. Books on discipline. I need a little insight into this age of two and stage of testing........

G is a good kid, but he has started to push limits and really test me in ways that make me want to run down the street screaming. And I think a few more tools in the ole tool box would help, even if it's all in my head. At least trying new things will help me feel productive and more sane.

I have tried, with some success, using time-outs, but you can't always give a time-out. Like when you're trying to get some necessary shopping done and your son will not stay seated in the carriage or stop yelling. I know he was probably bored, hungry, or tired, but I just a had a little more shopping to do and I needed him to chill out.

I'd love to have a few more techniques for handling that type of situation and many others that I'm sure I haven't even encountered yet.

Any suggestions for a good book or two that helped you navigate these tricking waters of disciplining your child with diginity and grace?

Too Bumpy

2009-06-16T06:59:00.001-04:00

If we get to G's daycare early or on time, we can usually find a parking spot just outside the building, on the street. However, if we are running late, we have to drive around the building to enter the one way parking lot and go over three speed bumps, before we can park.

G has developed a distaste for the bumps.

"No bumps, Mama. No bumps." he always says when we are still a few streets away.

"We'll have to wait and see, G," I caution, trying to prepare him for the fact that we may have to go over a few bumps if we can't get a spot outside.

Yesterday, as he made his request for NO BUMPS, I decided to ask, "Why don't you want to go over the bumps?"

After a pause, he stated, "Because they are bumpy. Too bumpy, Mama."

I wanted to tell him that these speed bumps are a metaphor and that there will inevitably be many bumps in his journey. It's the rough parts that make you appreciate the smooth ones. We have to go over the bumps to be able to get to the good parts. I wanted to tell him not to avoid them or fear them or wish they weren't there, because they are part of the whole experience and what makes life full. I wanted to tell him to be brave, accept the bumps and we will always be here to help him get over them.

But instead, I said, "You're right, G. They are bumpy," and pulled into the last spot outside the parking lot, on the street.

Kiss?

2009-06-12T20:12:00.007-04:00

Watching my son, who rarely gives affection,
ask for a "Kiss? Kiss?" from another woman,
a friend who he just recently met,
made my heart melt
and twinge a little.

Yeah. So, I might have a jealous streak.

Connections

2009-06-11T13:22:00.007-04:00

I have searched the internet, with no luck, for the 2 minute American Greetings commercial they play at the end of Sesame Street. It shows a bunch of flat, animated strips of construction paper making a chain, similar to the one below.

While the chain is being completed someone says:

"Connections make life meaningful."

The commercial just about brought me to tears. It really got to me.

As a mother, it's amazing to see G make new connections and leaps in understanding.

As a friend, daughter, sister, cousin, in-law.........I feel so blessed to be connected to such a supportive, loving, funny, opinionated and talented group of people. Family is everything to me.

As an artist, I am constantly noticing how the work I do helps me make meaning of my experiences.

As a blogger, I feel connected to this wonderful group of people who I give and get daily feedback from. Making connections, sharing real truth, learning, growing, feeling a part of something has enriched my life and made it a little fuller.

Thanks for being a part of it.

P.S. If you find the commercial, let me know, it's something I'd like to show my students.

Launched

2009-06-10T11:20:00.008-04:00

Last night was the Senior Prom.

B had to chaperone so he "got out of" the dreaded bedtime routine. Bedtime has become a battle of the wills to say the least. If interested check out the CONs side of this list.

Last nights routine started very much the same way as previous nights but a bit more intense and then ended in a totally new and unwelcomed way.

We stepped in the door after having dinner at our friends house, and G went from sleepy, thumb-sucking boy to crazy toddler on sugar. (although he didn't have any sugar) Suddenly he was eager to "have a snack?" "play screwdrivers?" "take a tubby?" He wanted anything BUT to go to his room and read books.

It was time for bed, I had put him in his pjs at our friends house and damn it, he should have been ready to read books in his room. We went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He allowed me one swipe with the brush before clamping down, turning his body away and demanding a tubby. I was trying to be patient, I tried explaining why he had to go to bed, then I tried counting, 1.....2..............2 1/2.........3.

So I put him in his crib without a bedtime story. I told him to get it all out and calm down and then I would be back to read books. I left the room and closed the door as he cried. Two minutes later, twisting the cap closed on my contact lens case I heard a loud crash.

I walked in to find him doing the downward dog on the hardwood floor just beneath his crib, pushing himself up to a standing position. My heart was pounding as I said, "What happened G?"

"I jumped." he calmly stated.

Jumped or launched yourself I thought, as my mind ran: How the heck did he manage that? On what part of his body did he land? How do I check for concusion in a toddler?

I started asking questions to which he should know the answer. He was stunned and didn't answer at first, just stared at the wall as I checked his body for damage.

Then he broke the silence and asked me to read him a book.

I read four.

I guess we won't be giving timeouts in the crib anymore. Does this mean it's time for a toddler bed? Anyone have any experience with this type of behavior?

Mourning

2009-06-09T08:02:00.004-04:00

My local library has shut down Story Hour for the summer.

Are you kidding me? When more, than right now, do we need something organized, educational, social and free to do outside of the house, in air conditioning? I mean really. I was starting to build relationships with people.

When I asked Ms. Pam why they would do this, she said, "It would get boring if we did it throughout the whole year. It's nice to look forward to it in the Fall." Boring? Maybe for her, but certainly not for me or G for that matter.

I have chronicled our love affair with the Story Hour here and here. We got off to a rocky start, me and "The Hour," which is actually more like 20 minutes for G's age group. Anyways, it was rough at first but then I grew to love it, really love and look forward to it every week. G really started to blossom there. He knew all the words to the songs and would sit patiently watching Ms. Pam's every move. He was so good and I loved the interaction with other Mom's and the play group time afterward.

What the heck are we going to fill our Thursday mornings with now?

Pros vs. Cons

2009-06-08T11:29:00.006-04:00

I've never been a big fan of Pros and Cons lists. They just seem to make the decision more complicated. B says he always ends up evening both sides out. I think for me it's a matter of being more emotional than I am logical or practical. I'm more comfortable just listening to my gut. I know that there are some decisions in which these lists are important and useful. In those situations, someone else usually helps facilitate the making of them.

Anyways. Today I've decided to make a Pros and Cons list for another reason. G turned TWO on Friday and I want to mark the occasion with a list detailing the Pros and Cons of living with a two year old named "G." In case he wonders and because I know I won't remember the specifics.

So, dear G, this is what you are like right now, at two.

PROS

You are a very sensitive, compassionate man, most of the time. Whenever I take a deep sigh you ask, "You okay Mama?"
You have started giving frequent and sudden leg hugs.
There is a hook in the kitchen, located about three feet off the ground that the previous owners installed, which we have not removed. You discovered it a few months ago, and it's always amusing to see what new random thing you have decided to hang there. i.e. handled sippy cups, your Red Sox hat, anything with a loop on it.......
You are so enamored with your new train table that I often have 5 to 10 uninterrupted minutes to do things such as change the laundry, start dinner, wash the dishes.....
You have learned how to spell your first name AND the first name of your best friend. Spelling bees might start helping to pay for college.
Your sense of humor has really begun to blossom and you think that I am really funny. A few weeks ago we were on a walk when it started to sprinkle. You looked up at me, startled by the rain drops. So I put my hand on my head and said, "Ouch!" as if the rain had hurt me. You looked puzzled for a second and then started laughing hysterically and repeated what I did. We went back and forth for about 5 minutes, laughing the whole time.

CONS

For the past two weeks you have fought us something fierce on going to bed. Each night it seems to go like this: 45-minutes taking turns reading books to you, then we try letting you cry it out. But, apparently you would rather turn yourself into a sweaty, snotty, hoarse mess than settle down to sleep, without ONE MORE book.
Trying to rationalize why hitting things with the wiffle ball bat is not a good idea, and having to threaten a time out is already getting old.
Your new train table and other toys take up an entire room. The only place for them in our little 1850's barn turned colonial style house is the front room. The first one you walk into as you enter our home. Oh, well, I guess aesthetics will have to wait 10 or 15 years.
I can't think of anything else right now.

I guess the PROS outweigh the CONS in this scenario.

Happy Birthday, little man!

Gut reaction

2009-06-02T07:57:00.001-04:00

Driving G to daycare yesterday, on a residential side street of an upscale neighborhood, I noticed a woman trying to cross the road. It was a beautiful day and I was in a good mood, so I decided to stop and wave her on. You can cross, I mouthed, as she seemed to hesitate.

Then I realized, she wasn't hesitating to cross the street, she was waving her ipod at me to get my attention. I pulled over and rolled down the windowThinking she needed directions, although she was clearly on a run/walk, so she was from the area. When the window was down she asked if she could borrow my phone.

Now, I hesitated, wondering to myself if I had even brought it and if so, where the heck did I put it. I don't bring my purse when I drop G off because it is so close to the house and I workout right after. While I was fumbling with my thoughts, she added that she wasn't feeling well and wanted to call her husband to pick her up.

"Can I give you a ride somewhere?" was the first thing out of my mouth. Usually I am very leary of strangers, especially when my son is with me, but it was a gut reaction and she looked harmless. I know, I know, it's always the ones that LOOK harmless. Anyways, she seemed unsure, but then said, "Yes. If that's okay. I live a few blocks away."

Before she got in the car she asked, "Are you sure you're comfortable with this?"

And that was the first time I realized this might not be a good idea.

I don't think I answered her before she was in the car and we were headed away from G's daycare and toward the woman's house.

"I just feel really dizzy. Have you ever had vertigo?" she asked.

"No." I said, wondering if she was making the whole thing up.

I dropped her off and watched her walk in. I hope she's okay. Guess I'll never really know.

Looking back, I am glad we helped her out.

It reminds me of the time we found a half dead robin on the side of the road, just up the street from our house. My mom ran back to get gloves and a box and we brought the bird back home. For three days we nursed him back to health. Then, when he seemed strong enough, we set him outside and watched him fly away. I always wondered if he made it.

When you're

2009-05-29T15:22:00.005-04:00

Sliding in to first and your pants are going to burst..................

It started last night and I haven't felt right ever since.

I hate this type of affliction, because you never know exactly what caused it. Was it something I ate? Were those eggs bad after all? I mean, they passed the, sink to the bottom of the cup in water, test. Is it just a stomach bug? A symptom of some larger issue?

The not knowing does bother me, though, not quite as much as the diet restrictions. It's just that, I LOVE to eat. A WIDE variety of foods. I have a high metabolism and I like to snack, a lot. Being forced to eat the BRAT diet is like further punishment. I don't mind the Bananas, but plain WHITE rice, awful, applesauce, not so bad, and dry toast, brutal.

Well, I'm off to my sister's for the weekend. A haircut and the annual pedicure are planned for tomorrow.

Drinking lots of water and praying that this is just a 24 hour thing.

I hope your weekend is filled with good things, not bad.

A glimpse

2009-05-27T08:15:00.002-04:00

Sarah over at Momalon posted 101 things about Sarah, on Monday. Because it was so fun to read and seems like it would be interesting and self-indulgent, in a good way, I've decided to do it as well. So here goes.

I am a Leo.
I am not at all coordinated.
I dislike group sports with a passion.
I am the oldest of three girls.
To bond with my father, I tried every sport available.
I tried softball, soccer, field hockey and basketball.
I believe in karma.
I was a Big Sister my Senior Year in College.
I made two layups in one game for the entire two seasons I played basketball.
I went to college because I thought I was supposed to.
I got my undergraduate degree in Business Administration.
Then I realized what I wanted to do when I grow up.
Five years later, I went to graduate school for my MFA in Sculpture.
I do not work well in groups.
I've never had a cool nickname.
I love green olives.
My son inherited my knock-kneed legs.
July is my favortie month of the year.
I'd rather be sweating my b$lls off than be the slightest bit cold.
I am chronically late for things.
I hate the very idea of Disney World.
The one and only time I have been there was on a business trip with my husband in my late 20's.
I am obsessed with getting a good haircut.
I often leave the salon thinking I could do better.
My husband and I dated for 7 years before getting married.
We moved to San Francisco together after dating for 1 year.
I would still live there if it wasn't so far from my family.
I went on an Outward Bound trip in my early 20's
I didn't shave my legs or armpits for the entire 28 days.
But I did pluck my eyebrows with a pair of tweesers & a tiny mirror.
I ran the San Francisco marathon.
I hope to one day run the Boston marathon.
Running makes me feel powerful.
I always thought I would have girls.
I love having a son.
I got a black eye in Rome.
I broke my nose while diving into shallow water.
I lived in France for 5 months.
I want to live abroad for a year with my family some day.
I've never been to London.
I have been to Amsterdam, Barcelona, Florence, and Salzburg.
My all time favorite sculpture is Michelangelo's Statue of David.
I have a fear of public speaking.
I love sushi.
Libraries make me feel like anything is possible.
Letters to a Young Poet, by Rainer Maria Rilke is my favorite book.
I wanted to be an Interior Designer when I was little.
My fake name was LeeAnne.
I didn't know how much I wanted to become a mother until I was one.
We planned his birth to the month.
Having a miscarriage taught me that I can't control everything.
My parents are amazing.
They do so much for my sisters and I.
And for everyone else.
I hope to be as good to G as they have been to us.
I never feel alone.
My biggest fear is not measuring up.
I want to volunteer.
Growing up, we went to a Congregational church every Sunday.
And then to my grandmother's house after lunch.
She gave us M&M's and Coke for a snack.
I have been fired twice.
I can NOT hold my liquor.
I used to resent growing up in a small town.
Now I want to move to one.
I always wanted a brother.
Every winter my Dad & Uncle took us girls snowmobiling in Maine.
I learned to knee board on an old door.
I think water skiing is one of the best feelings in the world.
I love cliff jumping (into water).
But I would never go sky diving or bungee jumping.
I have eaten the same thing for breakfast for about 12 years.
A bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats.
I love the Beastie Boys.
The smell of suntan lotion.
And body surfing with my family in Maine.
I love the smell of oil paint and sawdust.
Being in a messy studio makes me happy.
I miss having studio mates.
My husband and I love to get things for free.
Sometimes it gets us into trouble.
I hate starting the day with a big meal.
I love going out for dinner.
I'm a morning person.
I had braces.
Now my gums are receeding.
I gave birth to a 9lb.8oz. boy.
Via C-Section.
I hope to have a VBAC one day.
I hate small talk.
I'd rather talk about the real/raw stuff.
Or nothing at all.
I love reading honest details of other peoples lives on their blogs.
I often feel isolated during the day.
Blogging helps me feel connected.
There's nothing better than a random leg hug from your toddler.
Most nights I can't wait for him to go to bed.
Most mornings I can't wait for him to get up.
His laughter makes everything worth it.
I believe in setting your sights high, while being happy with what you've currently got.
G just came in and said, "Play trains, Mama." So I think I will.

Wow. That was harder than I thought. Should be fun to look back on this.

Good Day

2009-05-23T17:33:00.003-04:00

Tackling a few glorious house projects.

Trying to find a place in the house for the HUGE train table Nana & Papa brought down for the G-Man.

About to pick up PIZZA for dinner.

It's been a good day for everyone.

Knowing you are loved

2009-05-20T07:21:00.006-04:00

Lately, the smallest detail can send me to that place where my eyes well up and it feels like something is pressing on my throat. Teaching is done till the Fall, summer is not quite here, G has one more month of daycare and then we'll be home together, all day, everyday, for two months. This transition has got me a little freaked out and feeling a bit funky.

The one thing though, that simultaneously helps me snap out of it and has the ability to make me crazy, is G.

This weekend we spent the night at our friends house. Sunday morning after breakfast, I went upstairs to brush my teeth. Our friend was upstairs too, so after brushing, I lingered near the top of the stairs to talk for a minute. All of a sudden, I heard G climbing the stairs saying, "I hear her. I hear her." Followed by B's voice, "Yep. You found her."

G is not an overly emotional kid. He gives hugs and kisses, but he never cries when I drop him off at daycare. Instead, he runs excitedly in the door to grab a chair and join the other kids for morning snack. He loves spending time with all of our family and friends and is never clinging with B or me.

The realization that:

he can recognize me by the sound of my voice

and

he was looking for me when I wasn't there

made me feel so loved.

Is it strange......

2009-05-18T13:20:00.003-04:00

.......that G received a birthday pary invitation in the mail, from an unknown boy at daycare? I mean, we assume the boy goes to G's daycare.....

We have never met him or his parents.

Hmmmmm.

RSVPing is going to be awkward.

Wrestling with negative feedback

2009-05-15T14:05:00.000-04:00

Every semester I look forward to the day when grades are officially entered and they allow each professor access to our teaching evaluations. It's like getting our grade for the course. I've always enjoyed getting feedback, ever since I was a little girl. I love taking tests and finding out how I did. I have a competitive nature and strive to do better than the last time.

Usually my evaluations range from Very good to Excellent, with a few average comments and then some really flattering ones. This semester, however, the comments were average to NOT GOOD, and to be honest, I am not sure why. I taught Drawing 1 and 3D Design and tried some new techniques. The work they did was pretty good, but I'm not sure why the students didn't enjoy it. Some of it had to do with my students, a bunch of them were slackers, and told me they wanted to do the minimum amount of work necessary to pass the course. Ugh. But I can't help wonder if some of it had to do with me. Am I loosing my edge?

I love teaching and hope to do it full time in 5 years or so. I want to be an inspiring, creative teacher. Right now, while G is still so young, I'm taking a lighter load by doing adjunct work. But it is important to me to stay in it and keep my skills sharp.

I went back and read some of the better evaluations I've received in the past and that helped put things in perspective. I know I shouldn't let one semester make me second guess myself, but I can't help thinking there is something to be learned.

Anyone have any insight regarding how to turn negative feedback into something positive?

I just fahhted

2009-05-14T16:22:00.008-04:00

G wakes up from his afternoon nap and calls for me to come get him.

Uuuuuhhhhhhh. Uuuuuuhhhhhhuhhhhhhh. His charming grunt, singing.

I go into his room and he immediately directs me to "Turn it off. Turn it off." As if I don't remember to "turn it off" every time I get him out of bed.

I turn off the sound machine which loops through a recording of the ocean.

Then, excitedly I say, "Let's change your diaper?" trying to make it sound fun, since he hates diaper changes these days.

"Nooooo. I just fahhhted. I fahhted." he says, dead seriously. Not sure where the Boston accent comes from, neither B nor I have one.

"Let's change it just to be safe." I say.

When I lay him down, I notice a pancake sized wet spot on the top of his pants.

Hmmmmm. Just farted, huh?

He might be learning the art of persuasion, but he's got a lot to learn about little white lies. Such as, make sure there is no glaring evidence of that which you are trying to lie about.

The Art of Persuasion

2009-05-13T07:12:00.005-04:00

Over the past few months, G has gotten increasingly upset about my use of the computer during the day, when it's just the two of us in the house. At first, to assuage him, I would say, "G, I'm just checking my blog, I'll be done in a minute." Then I would suggest he play trains.

It worked for about a week and then whenever he saw me on the computer he would yell, "NO CHECKING BLOG, MAMA! NO CHECKING BLOG." Which often shocked me, made me feel guilty and I would stop.

But, admittedly, I do still occasionally check my email or the blog while he's awake but engaged in some kind of activity.

The yelling is more infrequent now, as I am better at realizing when he's reaching his boiling point, but it does still happen.

Yesterday, however, we were sitting at the table eating a snack. I finished before him and got up from the table to sit at the computer on the other side of the room. He could still see me but I was no longer sitting at the table with him.

I had only checked one email message when he politely asked, "Mama, come sit back in your chair." When he asked nicely a second time, I closed the laptop and gave in to his request.

I sat down across from him at the table.

He looked at me and said, "Mama, loves me."

"Yes. Mama loves you very much." I said.

"Thank you," he said, with a serious face.

Someone's learning the art of persuasion.

Common Enemy

2009-05-12T07:47:00.005-04:00

I was ready to write a story about grandparents and their propensity to overfeed grandchildren, especially when it comes to dessert. I mean, seriously, extra large portions of cake, cobbler and butter?

But, in light of how much I like all four of them and would never want to hurt their feelings, or risk losing their love, support and help, I decided not to write it.

When G was a few months old, my Dad, king of "did you hear the one about" jokes, asked me this question.

Q: Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?
A: Because they have a common enemy.

I'm pretty sure he was joking, but sometimes I wonder.

I mean, is that why they let their grandkids do things they would, never, have let us do?

Trying to help me kick this

2009-05-08T14:37:00.007-04:00

I have a bad habit of twirling my hair and staring off into space when I am......

a) day dreaming, cause I'm an artist, you know.....
b) trying to solve something
c) reading
d) just about anytime I have hair long enough to twirl (for about three years I had a pixie cut)

I have done this since high school and back then my Dad would bump my arm to get me to stop. Since then, my students have commented on it and some of my friends. I would like to stop, but often I don't even know I'm doing it.

*******************************************

A few days ago, G and I were driving home from the store. After a brief silence, G stated, "Mama, DON'T do that!" with the same tone he uses to tell the cats to get off the counter.

"What?" I asked, innocently.

"The hair, Mama."

He's a real ball buster, that son of mine. Won't let you get away with anything.

James Taylor: My kindred spirit

2009-05-07T13:45:00.002-04:00

This quote by James Taylor describes perfectly how I feel about making art.

"It is a process of discovery. It's being quiet enough and undisturbed enough for a period of time so the songs can begin to sort of peek out, and you begin to have emotional experiences in a musical way."

Censorship

2009-05-06T14:56:00.009-04:00

B and I watch what we say around G. We try not to swear or speak harshly to one another, as we want to model the behavior we expect from him.

Occasionally, though, B listens to Dr. Dre.

Although the words hurt my sense of well-being, I enjoy the sound of his music, so every now and then I listen, too.

A month ago, the three of us were driving somewhere and B popped in the Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg collaboration "Still D.R.E."

We taught him about air guitar and air drums. But totally on his own, G said, "Look Mama, air piano!" and I turned to see him tickling the air ivories. It was hilarious and horrifying at the same time. We realized in that moment, Dr. Dre is not appropriate for children. But how much of it is he really understanding?

Since then, if G gets antsy or upset about being in the car, we pop in the cd and let him listen to the beginning, while he plays air piano in his carseat. It works like a charm.

But, if my son ever started singing the lyrics to that song..........well.......

.......yeah..........it might be time to give up listening to hardcore rap in G's presence.

MR. Joe

2009-05-05T13:00:00.006-04:00

For the first time in 7 years, I did my shopping at Trader Joe's. It felt really great to be back.

When we lived in San Francisco I shopped there quite often. But, then we moved to Providence and they didn't have one within a reasonable driving distance.

A few months ago, they opened a store in Warwick, about 25 minutes from our house. It's still not close enough, but it will do. I love everything about the place. The way the store is organized and all the wood. Aisle upon aisle of unique and interesting food and yummy sounding house products. It feels like Whole Foods meets the local farm stand/corner market, but it doesn't break the bank. Every time I go, it seems the employees love their jobs and are proud to work there. It's such a spectacular shopping experience.

In order to get G psyched up for the trip this morning, I mentioned that we were going to MR. Trader Joe's to get some of the aforementioned popsicles and chewable multi-vitamins. He really has a thing for popsicles but also, for some reason, loves taking vitamins. It's strange, since he hadn't had the sweet chewable ones until today after I bought them. Up until now, we've given him the Poly-Vi-Sol baby drops in his morning yogurt and he loves it.

As I put on his shoes and raincoat, he sang this little song.

"MR. Trader Joe. Popsicles. Vitamins. MR. Trader Joe. Popsicles. Vitamins."

When I pulled out of the driveway, his happy tone took a turn. Out of no where he said, "I don't wanna see Joe. I don't wanna see Joe."

I gently explained that Trader Joe is not actually a man but a wonderful store for purchasing affordable, slightly out of the ordinary food and nice smelling things like bergamont & coriander air freshener.

He seemed relieved and went back to singing.

Totally serious

2009-05-04T13:49:00.007-04:00

When G's on the phone he holds it to his ear with his shoulder and thrusts out his opposite hip as if he's been doing it for years. He says things like "HI! How are you?" and "Yup," in response to questions from the other end. Or, he just hangs up the phone and says, "All done."

Usually I am physically close enough to hear both sides of the conversation. But last night, I was in the living room when B handed G the phone so he could speak with his four year old cousin. All I could hear was this.

G: Are you serious?

Pause.

G: Are you SERIOUS?

Another pause.

G: ARE YOU SERIOUS??????

I waited in the living room while B got on the phone with his sister and asked what our nephew was saying to elicit such a response.

Apparently the other side of the conversation went something like this:

Cousin: Papa has a train table for you. It's really cool and has lots of trains on it.

********************************

I guess if I got really great news, I would check to make sure they weren't pulling my leg, too.

Is it just me?

2009-04-30T13:56:00.005-04:00

Is it just me, or are some children's books confusing to read?

I mean, I like to think that I have a pretty extensive vocabulary and can at least hooked-on-phonics (TM) my way through the correct pronunciation of words.

Now that G will sit and listen to a whole book we have started enjoying some of the classics and a lot of newer books that I have never read.

The books I have read before are "easy" to read but I've got to admit that some of the phrases in the newer ones make me stop and think.

In Michael Rosen's, We're Going on a Bear Hunt, is Oh-Oh! pronounced the way it's written, O-O or is it pronounced Uh-Oh, which would have a nicer flow to it?

Today after reading The Velveteen Rabbit for Community Reading Day, in my sister's 6th grade class, I had to look up the meaning of the following words.

bracken, which I found out is a type of fern

and

brigands, which is a theif or outlaw of some kind, but I'm still not sure what it means in the context of the story. He was going to play with the brigands. Cops and robbers, perhaps? (Maybe Ink can help with this one.)

Anyone else gotten tripped up by a Children's Book, or is it just me?

I think the real issue is patience, Just a little patience.....

2009-04-29T12:06:00.007-04:00

I do not like waiting.

Which is actually quite hypocritical because I am routinely 10 to 15 minutes late for everything. Unless I am teaching or lecturing or in charge of the event, I will probably be late. When I am teaching, I force myself to arrive 1/2 hour to 1 hour early just to avoid the potential for tardiness.

One reason I don't follow the general rule of arriving 10 minutes early, like a friend suggested, is that I don't want to wait if I get there too early. Which is ludacris and selfish, I know. I am trying to work on this.

When I am waiting for something it often creeps into my every thought. Even when I have no control over when said thing arrives, I can't get it out of my mind, which is annoying and counterproductive.

I think the real issue is patience.

Brian Adams has this advice.

Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.

Good advice, I'd say. Now we'll see if I can implement it.

Must have his father's sense of direction

2009-04-28T12:45:00.009-04:00

Maybe it's me. Maybe it's him. Or maybe it's both of us. But the last two days have been brutal.

A taste of the brutality:

G: I want some ravioli.
Me: (Straining it from the boiling hot water. Taking a few pieces out to let them cool. Cutting them.): It's too hot right now. Just give me a minute.
G: I WANT RAVIOLIIIII! I WANT RAVIOLIIIIIII!
Me: It's too hot, G. We've got to let it cool.
G: IT'S NOT TOO HOT!
Me: (Trying to stay calm.)
G: MAYBE IT'S JUST WARM!!!!!!!
Me: Why are you yelling at me?

Leaving the house, G spots a bee while I'm locking the door.

G: Where's the bee going?
Me: Looking to see what he's talking about.
G: WHERE'S THE BEE GOING TO??????
Me: (Noticing the bee is near the steps and G is backing up.) He's not going to bother us. Let's just walk around him.
G: WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO???????
Me: I do not know.

And then some cute to counteract:

Yesterday, picking G up from daycare, I told him we were going to the store for popsicles. On the way to the store B called and suggested one of us do the shopping after dinner since it was already 5:45pm. I agreed and took a left to go home instead of going straight, to the store.

G (from his car seat in the back): Other way Mama. OTHER WAY!

How the h$ll did he know that?

Things I'm learning from G, #2

2009-04-24T08:28:00.012-04:00

#2: Just RELAX

We pull into a parking spot at the library. I open the back door to let G out of his car seat and we immediately hear a loud and high pitched Ruff-Ruff-Ruff.

G leans forward and yells, "RE-LAAAXXXX!" with a stern look on his face.

I turn to see a small dog with a disproportionate bark, lunging at us from his fully extended leash.

It's true.

He (in my mind all dogs are he's, so we'll just go with it) should relax. At least a little. Yes, the barking may get his owner's attention. However, the straining and extremely loud noise he's making may cause more stress and anxiety than necessary, for everyone involved.

Yet another lesson from my 22 month old son.
_________________________
Blogger Project Update:

So far: 8 definites

Many of you have stated in the comments that you want to participate. In order to be sure that you are in and discuss the the details (arrange sending photos, etc.) please contact me at d_12pair@yahoo.com

I look forward to hearing from you and beginning the first phase of this project.

My blogging friend CK did an amazing post today of her first Stand-up comedy gig, which is hilarious. She also very nicely plugged my project, so you should go check it out on her site:

Bad Mommy Momments

Knowing he's there

2009-04-23T08:37:00.005-04:00

G and I don't watch A LOT of TV.

However, I do have to admit that I cherish 7:30 to 8am. Breakfast is cleaned up and we sit on the couch together. G watches the end of Sesame Street while I work on the computer.

This morning we sat side by side, G sucking his thumb watching Elmo and Mr. Noodle while I clicked through my favorite blogs. As they started to wrap up the show, reminding viewers that Sesame Street had been brought to us by the letter (insert letter of the day), and the number (insert number), I felt a little hand reach over and gently walk it’s fingers from my elbow to my palm. He wanted to hold my hand while watching TV.

He didn’t even look away from the TV as he sat there sucking his thumb with one hand and holding my hand with the other. Maybe he just wanted to make sure I was there.

I wonder if he knows how glad I am that he is here.

Blogger Portrait Project

2009-04-22T08:15:00.003-04:00

Half way there people. I just need 6 more participants.

Anyone interested?

Check out the project here and email me at d_12pair@yahoo.com if you want to join.

Don’t call me Richard

2009-04-21T07:49:00.006-04:00

Sometimes I get mad at G.

Just typing that makes me feel guilty. He’s only 22 months. What could he possibly do to make me mad?

Well.

Throw his food on the floor, then look at me and say, “Funny?”
Catapult his sippy cup, chipping white paint off the table.
Listen to me ask him to stop and then specifically and repeatedly continue doing said thing.

He's not totally defiant very much, but when he is……

This weekend G launched a handful of hummus, peas and corn on the freshly washed floor. I washed his hands and face and got him out of his high chair. Then, as I bent down to clean up the mess on the floor, he started hitting me.

Why are you being such a d!#&, was my first thought, but I didn’t say that. Instead, I asked, “G, can I call you Richard?”

I thought it was a harmless way of releasing some frustration and it made me smirk.

In a serious tone he replied, “Don’t call me Richard. Don’t call me Richard, Mama.” Which made me laugh even more.

Wouldn't that make a great band name.

As in, "Hey we’re going to see Don’t call me Richard tonight. You wanna come?"

Blogger Portrait Project Update:
I'm still looking for people to let me sculpt them. I’ve been searching for a way to connect what I do here on the blog with what I do in my studio. I am a figurative sculptor, so I need people to sculpt.

I want to do a series of “Blogger” portraits, (my goal is 12). I plan to fill a space with the sculptures of 12 people who I have a connection with in the blogosphere. More info on the project here.

So far I've got 4 people on board. 1/3 of the way there. If you are interested leave a comment or email me at d_12pair@yahoo.com

Supporting the Arts

2009-04-20T11:52:00.003-04:00

On the way to daycare this morning G kept chanting, “I no wanna go. I no wanna go. I no wanna go.” There was no reason for the chanting as he loves it and always runs to join the other kids the second we walk in the door. The sound of his whining was grating on my nerves such that it would have been more pleasant to listen to the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.

So I resorted to the only thing I could think of……

I started singing a chant right back at him. The first thing that came to mind was the softball chant we used to sing in 5^th grade for the person at bat. I inserted his name and pretended I was back in 5^th grade, sitting on the bench on a warm spring evening, encouraging my teammate.

“Here we go Gee-ee. Here we go! Here we go Gee-eee. Here we go!”

He quieted down and listened for a while as I sang. Then he started to mumble something, so I stopped singing to hear what he was saying. It took me a minute to understand, but then I heard, “Here we go sculpture. Here we go! Here we go sculpture. Here we go!”

One of my sculptures that didn't make it into the show last week was in the back seat with him . And he was cheering it on. I hope he's always this supportive of the arts.

Blogger Portrait project Update: I currently have three people interested in participating in the project, and I’d really like to have twelve. So let me know if you care to join. I’ve described the project here if this is news to you.

Proposition Update

2009-04-18T08:30:00.007-04:00

As I mentioned in Friday's post I want to do a series of “Blogger” portraits, (my goal is 12). I plan to fill a space with the sculptures of 12 people who I have some kind of connection with in the blogosphere.

In thinking more about the project I realized that the point is to explore how we choose to represent ourselves in cyberspace. If you'd like to participate, in addition to sending photos of yourself, I've decided to add two new options.

The picture or icon you chose for your profile is called an avatar.

(From Wikipedia)

AVATAR: is a computer user's representation of himself/herself or alter ego, a two-dimensional icon (picture). It is an “object” representing the embodiment of the user. The term "avatar" can also refer to the personality connected with the screen name, or handle, of an Internet user.

Some folks use a personal photo while others, such as myself, prefer to be more anonymous. If you are interested in the project, but do not want to supply photos of yourself, please consider these other options:

1. I can use your current avatar
or
2. An object of your choice

If you are interested please email me with pictures at d_12pair@yahoo.com

Proposition

2009-04-17T12:54:00.013-04:00

Last night was the opening of a two person show that I am in at Babson College.

Being at the opening, and talking with people who stopped by, got me thinking………

I’ve been searching for a way to connect what I do here on the blog with what I do in my studio. I am a figurative sculptor, so I need people to sculpt. Up until now, I have either done self-portraits, as a lot of what I needed to say came from my own emotions and experiences, or used family members to model from. I like to model people that I have some kind of connection to, which is where you all come in.

I want to do a series of “Blogger” portraits, (my goal is 12). I plan to fill a space with the sculptures of 12 people who I have a connection with in the blogosphere. The point of the project is to explore how we choose to represent ourselves in cyberspace.

What would be required of you, you ask. Well, initially I would need:

Your permission via a signed release form.
20 images of you from the waist up - AKA bust or headshot. You should pick one pose, hold the pose and have someone with a camera walk around you taking a shot of every angle. (front view is 12 o'clock, profile view is 3 o'clock, back view is 6 o'clock, other profile view is 9 o'clock and then take the photos in between, too).
You should be casually dressed in a natural pose. (How you might look while blogging for example.)
Or I can use your current avatar
Or an object of your choice.

If you chose to send photos, please know that the finished product will have an essence of you. They will not be totally realistic or exact replicas of the pictures you send. Here are some images of my work to give you a better idea of what I do.

If you are interested in participating or have any questions, please email me at d_12pair@yahoo.com

How to take the photos:

You should dress casually
Sit or stand somewhere with enough room around you for the photographer to be able to walk all the way around you.
Hold a natural and comfortable pose. (Decide if you want to be straight faced, smirking, smiling, etc. and hold that expression for the whole time you're being photographed.)
Have someone with a camera walk around you taking a photo of every angle. Make sure you're head and shoulders are in the frame. (Front view is 12 o'clock, profile is 3 o'clock, back is 6 o'clock, other profile is 9. Also, ask them to take the photos in between at 1, 2, 4, 5 o'clock etc.)
You can also have them take some detail shots of your face, front, 3/4, profile views, etc.
This will help me get a better sense of your bone structure and actual features.
The finished group of photos will look like a flip book of someone walking around you while you remain still.

Rockin' the tape player

2009-04-14T09:19:00.001-04:00

Ahhhhh. The smell of fresh paint. It’s so nice and yet it might be giving me red splotches on my face and a sore throat. But the walls are looking nice.

The past four days have been a blur. G went to my parents for 3 days while we were……….

Stripping wall paper. Patching holes discovered under the paper. Caulking. Priming. Cutting in. Rolling. Cutting in. More rolling.

All the while, listening to our remaining tape collection dating back to ’93. Wow. There are some goodies in that bunch. B hooked up an old Sony Sport Walkman (the yellow one) to our Ipod docking station.

Among the collection:

Jack Wagner (I was addicted to General Hospital from 4^th to 8^th grade)

Kenny Rogers (a family favorite growing up)

Moonboot Lover (UNH college band)

Say ZuZu (UNH college band)

Cake

Natalie Merchant

Sarah Mclachlan

Ani Difranco

Indigo Girls

And, there were so many mixed tapes. Dating from high school to college to our 2002 road trip home from SF. (Even though Cd’s were in full swing in 2002, our ‘97 Ford Taurus still rocked a cassette player).

The height of my mixed tape receiving and making was definitely in college. My friends and I would make them for all kinds of occasions. Birthdays, road trips, end of the year celebrations, no reason at all. And every now and then we would record our conversations. While listening to one of the tapes this weekend, it flipped sides and suddenly we heard voices clamoring and silverware clinking. I didn’t know what we were listening to until B said that sounds like the dinning hall.

Nothing like finding a tape of a dinner conversation between my roommate, her boyfriend and two other friends at the dinning hall, freshman year, to take you back.

Well, it's a start

2009-04-09T14:12:00.004-04:00

Getting G dressed in the morning has become a major accomplishment. It usually goes something like this.

Me: G, it’s time to put on some clothes.

G: NO, I wanna stay in pajamas.

Me: But we can’t leave the house until we are both dressed.

G: Later, mamma. Later!

So we wait a few minutes and I try again.

Today, I got his p.j.’s off and he ran out of the room. When he returned he handed me his stuffed kitty and a diaper and said, “Kitty pooped. Kitty pooped. Mama, change his diaper.”

I “changed” kitty’s diaper and G handed me some clothes from the drawer to dress him. When we were finished with kitty, G pulled off his diaper, and ran to the bathroom. I wanna go pee he said, and stood by the big toilet.

I encouraged him to use his potty, and for the first time since we’ve had it, he turned and sat down by himself on the little training toilet. He sat there for about 10 seconds, making the stereotypical Men’s bathroom #2 sounds. We both waited anxiously for something to happen until he sadly announced, “I can’t poop.”

Well, he tried, and that’s a start.

Currently obsessing over

2009-04-07T13:33:00.002-04:00

Whether to get a sectional or regular couch for our tiny, 14’ x 11’ living room. We REALLY want a sectional. We’d both love to recline while watching a movie and maximize the amount of comfy seating available for guests, but I’m just not sure it will work in the space. A decision needs to be made soon. The second-hand couch gifted to us upon return from San Francisco seven years ago, was great, but has now got to go.
Which shade of white to paint the rooms on our first floor? We want one color for all four rooms so each visually flows into the next. There’s Moonlight White, Timid White, Navajo white, sandy white, etc. etc. etc. Too many choices.
How to make sculpture in short windows of time. Back in grad school there were limitless hours.
What does it mean to be in a liminal space?
How to keep students engaged and having fun while challenging/pushing them to take risks, work harder than they thought possible and push beyond their comfort zone.

Things I’m learning from G, #1

2009-04-06T11:03:00.005-04:00

# 1: Don’t judge.

I’m a very critical person. I am critical of myself, my friends, my family and strangers. This is not always fair or productive.

G is a very easy going kid. He loves just about everything and everyone. Last night, after trying steak tips for the first time, he declared, "I love steak." Though he’s not a huge fan of lima beans, he’ll eat almost anything else as long as you put “special” sauce on it. He does not judge and does not form prejudices based on appearance.

This morning I was getting G ready for school. He had his shirt and socks on, but remained adamant about not wanting to wear pants. We went through three different options that I was happy with, to no avail.

Finally, he found a pair of ratty, hand-me-down sweatpants in the pile of clean, yet still unfolded laundry. I have nothing against hand-me-downs, in fact most of G’s clothes are such, and I love it since he outgrows everything so quickly. But these were sweatpants and they were quite pilly. He only goes to school two days a week and I like him to look somewhat put together.

Again, I’m a bit critical.

So, I tried to convince him why those pants were not suitable for outside wear. I even told him the story of Andy Benedictus, the kid in gym class who wore sweatpants every day. It was not pretty. Since then I don’t like seeing men in sweatpants. I know G is just a toddler, but still.

After our discussion, he looked up at me and said, “Mama, these are nice.”

And you know what, G.

If you really like them, then I guess they are nice.

Knowing what's good for us

2009-04-03T07:13:00.003-04:00

When I go for a run or plan to spend time in the studio, there is usually a last minute pang of doubt. Do I really want to do this? I’m too tired, I’ll think. Or it’s just so cold out. I should tackle the laundry. Or call so-and-so back.

But the second I get warmed up and settle in to my pace, I love it. Especially the part when I finish, and I get to experience that flushed warm body sensation and adrenaline rush of accomplishment. And eat a huge meal, because I need to refuel.

Then it is all worth it. I know that the struggle makes me appreciate the reward.

Yesterday, while attempting to put G down for his nap, he fought it.

“No. I no wanna take a nap,” he said, over and over and over again.

It was a little early, only 11am but he had been rubbing his eyes and sucking his thumb. So, I backed down from pushing the nap and offered him a light lunch. He ate everything, and still, “No nap, Mama. No.”

So we read some books and talked a while.

Then I told him I was going to give him a hug. He thought that was a good idea, so I picked him up and immediately he fell limp in my arms.

We slowly walked upstairs and as he felt the blankets of his crib, he whispered, “Thank you Mama. Thank you.”

I smiled and said, “You’re welcome.”

4-letter words

2009-04-02T08:08:00.001-04:00

I have always enjoyed a well timed four-letter word.

As the oldest of three girls in a pretty conservative family, swearing was never part of our upbringing. My parents took their job of raising three polite, “respectable” women VERY seriously. The only time I heard my mother swear, which was rare and practically inaudible, was if she hurt herself or was trying to meet a deadline. And I honestly don’t remember hearing my father swear until I was in college.

Discovering the combination of four-letter words and sarcasm proved a great source of entertainment. My sisters and I had fun covertly slipping inappropriate words into everyday conversation, to see who could be the most witty or shocking.

It seems G has taken after his mother.

Last week we were driving through the parking lot at a local Stop ‘n’ Shop. When a food scrounging seagull flew by the car, G excitedly stated, “Look Mama. Sea-COCK! Sea-COCK!”

If I had just taken a sip of water, it would’ve been all over my shirt.

Through a wide grin, I attempted to correct him by saying, “No sweetie. That bird is called a seagull.”

To which he responded, “Seagull COCK. Seagull COCK.”

I guess he thinks "inappropriate" words are funny too.

I need a minute

2009-04-01T11:55:00.007-04:00

Just a minute, to catch my breath.

Workshop & Artist Talk: Done & Delivered
House: Trashed
Body: Exhausted
Mind: Still reeling from the frenetic energy required to prepare and deliver.
Reality: Another artist talk & exhibition in two weeks.
Truth: I wouldn't want it any other way.

But why do deadlines always come in clusters?

Wish I didn't, but I do

2009-03-30T14:33:00.005-04:00

Why can I set manageable timelines and workplans for my students, but when it comes to my own work, I LEAVE EVERYTHING TO THE LAST MINUTE!

I do this to myself every time. I know when I commit to things that I work well under pressure. But then when I'm in the pressure filled last few days, I question why I agreed to it in the first place. But I know why I did. This is who I am, what I do and I love it. But procrastination sucks when it's biting you on the ass.

If I tried to sit down and get this done two weeks ago, and believe me I did, it just wouldn't work. I wouldn't get where I need to be. I need the fear and the anxiety, to make me kick it into action.

I wish I didn't but I do.

Catching a Glimpse

2009-03-27T08:11:00.003-04:00

This post is a response to Secret #12, the last Secret, in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 12: Planning to Achieve Your Goals

I never planned on being a stay-at-home Mom. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to have a family, but I wanted to have a career as well.

As I sit here typing this, I have a glimpse of my son on the couch in the other room. He is still in his pajamas because when I tried to get him dressed for the day, he said “No mama. Pajamas first.” So we’re going with it.

Right now, he is entertaining himself. He grabbed a few books, his beloved stuffed kitty, the bottle of milk that he has been nursing for the last hour and a blanket to cover his legs. He is quite a sight. Some days, though, I feel like it’s not enough. I’m not doing enough with my life. I teach 1 to 2 days a week, depending on the semester and I manage to find time to make art and show my work now and then. But mostly I am home with him. Something I never thought I wanted. But now, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

As far as achieving my goals, I think I am on a path to do that. But time and life experience has shown me that sometimes you need to stay open and flexible. Be aware of the unexpected opportunities that present themselves. You might not always achieve what you thought you wanted, but instead achieve what you need to.

A few of the things I plan to achieve:

Have another child
Develop a new body of work
Experiment with the sculptural properties of paper
Stay active with my sculpture (at least three shows a year)
Have a studio outside of my home
Become a full time Professor of Art (in 5 years)

And one goal from G, on our walk this morning:

"I wanna touch the birdies." (Pretty good goal if you ask me)

What do you plan to achieve?

Missing what is not there

2009-03-25T11:46:00.002-04:00

Went to bed early.
Noticed his pillow wasn’t there and felt empty.
An unecessary sadness.
Memories of nights alone flooded in.
He was just downstairs..........

But he had taken his pillow.
***************************************
This morning, for the first time in two months, G asked to see Evan and Wyatt, friends from his previous daycare. It struck me then, that he does remember them. I had wondered, when they closed for reasons involving DCYF, if he would be sad not to see his friends anymore.

G was only there two days a week for eight months. I didn't really bond with any of the other mothers, so I haven't made an attempt to see anyone. Now I'm wondering if I should.

We both seem to be missing what's not there.

Please Don't

2009-03-24T06:34:00.005-04:00

Dear G,
You are by far, my favorite 21 month old human.

Almost everything you do is adorable and makes my heart sing.

However, there are two recent behaviors I'd like to discuss.

In the past few weeks, you have started taking offense to getting your diaper changed.

When I change you, you yell, "Dat's my PENIS! Dat's MY penis, Mama!" Followed by, "It's mine!"

Which of course I realize, but someone's got to clean it, right?

Also, you have started yelling my name, WHILE, I am changing you.

This is especially of concern in public. I'll be changing your diaper in a public restroom and you start saying, "Mooooomm? Mooooooom?" As if I am a stranger and you are looking for your mother.

Don't get me wrong, you are great. But regarding the yelling during diaper changes, Please don't.

All my love,
Mama

Inappropriate...

2009-03-23T14:01:00.008-04:00

1. Last week at story-time, a 10 month old baby was crawling around the floor.

G made his way over to the baby and when I finally noticed where he was, I heard the mother shooing him away. By the time I got close enough to see what was happening, G had a firm grasp on the baby's shirt sleeve. It took all I had just to pry his pudgy fingers from the sleeve.

When I picked him up, all he said was, "I wanna kiss the baby. I wanna kiss the baby."

We don't know the baby. Never even seen him before. Why this baby? Why now? Do I have a budding politician on my hands?

2. This weekend my father took G to visit his neighbor's horse, "Pickles." Later in the day G noticed B laying on his side on the floor. He climbed up on B's hip, started making "the galloping motion" with his body and said, "Giddy up Pickles."

3. If you have ever chaperoned a high school dance or even just watched MTV you will know what this is referring to. "so in-appropriate"

Serenity NOW!

2009-03-20T08:48:00.002-04:00

This post is a response to Secret #11 in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 11: Subtracting Serenity Stealers

This week’s secret is about pinpointing and then eliminating that which prevents us from fulfilling our dreams, making art, pursuing joy. The first thing I thought of was the Seinfeld episode when George’s dad keeps yelling, “Serenity NOW!” Demanding what you want. What an interesting approach.

Jamie suggests looking at the following areas of your life, to see if you can get rid of at least one serenity stealer this week.

clutter
toxic people
toxic situations
limiting beliefs
activities you dread
over-committing
over-scheduling
over-stimulation
perfectionism
the outdated
the "undone"
habits that aren't serving you

For me:

Clutter: This is an area of my life that I am constantly battling with. I hate clutter and so I spend an inordinate amount of time tackling it just so I don’t have to see it. I’m sure there is a way that I could be more efficient with my attempt to rid our house and life of clutter.

Toxic People: Luckily I don’t really have any of these folks in my life.

Limiting beliefs: Just the ones that I impose upon myself, such as the fear of not being enough. I am working on this one all the time.

Activities you dread: Anything involving conflict.

Over-committing: If anything, I need to commit a little more.

Perfectionism: Yes. I tend to shy away from things that I’m not sure I’ll be the queen of.

The “undone”: Yes. I could work on finishing things in order. I tend to get distracted. While working on one task, I’ll switch and begin another. The unfinished tends to cause unnecessary stress.

So there you have it. These are the areas of my life that might be preventing me from having, “Serenity NOW!”

What’s standing in your way?

With Feeling

2009-03-19T15:45:00.007-04:00

My childhood best friend and I used to play a lot of make believe.

When I got my first "real" camera, the Kodak disc 6000, around 6th grade, my friend and I used to pretend we were on photo shoots.

We would take turns being the photographer vs. the photographed, complete with outfit changes, special lighting and backdrops.

I remember saying things that I thought photographers said to bring out different emotions in their models when it was my turn to photograph.

Things like:

"Show me passion."
"Give me puppy dog eyes."
or
"Make love to the camera." (Not sure where I heard this one.)

When I found this print in Frank Chimero's flickr photostream, it immediately reminded me of something I would have said while pretending to be a film director. And I love the colors and texture.

Suckers for a "Bargain"

2009-03-19T14:46:00.001-04:00

I. LOVE. A good bargain. B might like them even more, so together we’re usually pretty thrifty.

**********************
A few weeks ago my sister called to ask if I wanted to go shopping at the outlets the weekend of March 14th/15th. Someone at work had given her a friends and family rewards card, that rewarded the holder of the card with an ADDITIONAL 30% off any and all purchases at Old Navy, Gap AND Banana Republic. The last two stores being in my top 10, I was very interested.

We met at the outdoor mall type outlets on Sunday, March 15th, one of the first gorgeous days of the year. There was a line, just to get in the humongous parking lot, and we worried we might not have the fortitude for the crowds. But, we got two parking spots right next to each another, not too far from the action and decided to brave it.

Three hours later we were both happy with our purchases and felt we’d gotten our money’s worth. Most of the inventory was already marked down 20 to 30%, so combined with our friends and family card we were saving 50 to 60%. I got two pairs of nice pants to replace the maternity ones I’m still wearing, almost two years later. I’ve lost all the baby weight, but my stuff is distributed differently now.

****************************
While I shopped the outlets, my husband hung with G, did some yard work and talked with our neighbors for the first time since everyone retreated inside for winter.

Our neighbor is a landscaper, contractor, all around handy man, so B tends to ask his opinion on most home-related projects. Our dirt pile of a lawn that B has re-seeded each of the five Springs we’ve lived here, seems to be an endless source of aggravation and reason to keep seeking his advice. The first advice we received was to put in underground sprinklers. “You need water to keep the grass green,” he said.

We disregarded his advice. Too expensive we thought. Not worth it for our “starter home.” Each summer we try manually running a sprinkler and moving it around the yard, but inevitably give up in July, have brown grass by August and need to re-seed in the spring. To make matters worse, all of the neighborhood squirrels got together back in the Fall and chose to bury ALL their nuts in OUR yard and right now, it looks like an exploded minefield with empty holes and little piles of dirt everywhere.

When said neighbor suggested for the fifth time that we should think about putting in an underground sprinkler system, B was interested. And when he said work is slow right now and he has a few friends that would do the work for next to nothing……… Being the sucker for a bargain that he is, B was even more interested.

And that is when the miscommunication happened.

So we have half the job DONE. Now we have to decide what to do about the rest of it.

We may just roll up our sleeves and finish it ourselves.

The Saga Continues

2009-03-18T11:13:00.005-04:00

Wow. I don't even know what to say right now or even where to start.

Apparently we have an overly eager neighbor who DOES NOT go by the book.

A casual conversation regarding how to get lush green grass spiraled out of control without us even knowing it.

While talking this weekend, B said "get us an estimate for the work" and my neighbor heard, "get your guys over here to do the work, WHEN WE ARE NOT here."

Last night, again we said, "We need numbers before any more work is done." Then, this morning I took G to daycare and went to the gym. When I returned, they were back again. And a new water pump was in place.

So, B has now talked to the neighbor and we finally made it clear that we do NOT want any more work done without proper communication.

I am somewhat furious, mainly because we/I was not consulted.

We found out that at this point we owe a nominal amount of money for the job they did. But in order to benefit from the work they have done so far, more work needs to be done. Clearly we need to talk to our neighbor again. But this time we might need to be FIRM.

It's a classic case of miscommunication, but I'm not sure it's over.

Mysterious Yard Work Fairies

2009-03-17T10:46:00.004-04:00

Unknown men (two of them) are outside my house, right now, putting in a well that will support an underground sprinkler system.

I did not call them. Did not sign a contract for this work. I have never even seen these two people before.

I told them that my husband and I had not decided we wanted this work done. They said, "Don't worry about it. Your neighbor asked us to do this, so we'll take it up with him."

WHAT ?!$%^&

Do we have yard work fairies who are doing this for free?

Not likely. One of the first things they teach you in business school is, "There is no such thing as a FREE LUNCH."

Stubbing my toe at the gym

2009-03-16T15:47:00.004-04:00

Dropped off G at daycare and headed straight for the treadmill.

Did my 40 minutes. ("training" for a 5k at the end of April)

Half way through, I spotted an old "friend." We haven't talked in over a year.

I have seen her at the gym many times and neither of us have gone over to talk to the other. Weird. I assumed she didn't want to be friends anymore. What grade am I in? Seriously? Having a child has made me feel like I'm back in middle school, negotiating the various social circles. And not well, I might add. I just never saw the point.

I stretched, started toward the locker room and she approached me. It was awkward at first, maybe just for me.

And then, we talked for a full half hour, like we've been buds all along. I feel like I just stubbed my toe and the world is laughing at me.

G has no trouble making friends. No trouble at all.

What is my issue? Do I over think things? Was all the weirdness in my head?

Go after what you want........and stick with it

2009-03-13T15:17:00.002-04:00

This post is a response to Secret #10 in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 10: Living in Abundance with Positive Priorities

Back in February I wrote a post about ONE of my all time favorite quotes.

"It showed some originality and energy to have devised such a life."

I found this quote in 1998, and it is either by, or about, the 19th century English writer, Isabella Bird. She was a unique woman, who was more interested in traveling and experiencing different cultures than settling down in Britain.

I happened upon the quote during a time in my life when I was reevaluating who I was and what I wanted out of life. I had just graduated with a degree in business and knew I needed to find a new path, a more suitable career for me.

The quote helped me gain this perspective:

Life is about making choices.
Those choices eventually become a pattern and define who you are.
Who you are, is not limited to who you were.
Pushing through uncertainty and doubt are inevitable.
And ultimately, where you will find beauty.

A life of abundance is full of risk-taking.
Go after what you want.
And stick with it.

First Sign

2009-03-12T14:37:00.005-04:00

This morning I saw the first sign of crocuses in my neighbor's yard.

Baby is napping.

The windows are all open.

Doing laundry and washing the woodwork.

Cat sits by the open window and sniffs crisp, fresh air.

Sun streams in the French door just behind me, and rests on my back. Warm.

Blue sky behind the still skeleton-like trees.

Grilling chicken kabobs, ON THE GRILL, tonight.

Company coming.

Spring is too.

Missing: Evening Sanity

2009-03-11T11:21:00.003-04:00

Where has my little angel, who falls asleep after one book and a kiss, gone?

Seriously, has anyone else noticed that Daylight Savings Time messes with toddlers in a unique and oh, so evening stealing kind of way, or is it just me? The time change has rendered G unrecognizable at bedtime.

Before the change he would start to suck his thumb around 6:30 or 7 and then be sound asleep, at the latest, by 8pm. For the past three nights he’s asked for more books, just one more, pretended he pooped, begged to go downstairs, wiggled, wrestled and punched us, all to avoid bedtime. He seems to get this burst of energy around 8pm and it really needs to stop.

No barefoot chickens, please.

2009-03-10T07:23:00.008-04:00

B is really good at most of the things he does.

Back rubs are not one of them.

He loves receiving them but he hates giving them. Occasionally I’ll ask him for a back rub, hoping it will feel nice and relaxing, the way a loving touch between a husband and wife should. However, when I AM able to convince him, I’m quickly reminded of why I rarely ask. The pressure that he applies is either too hard in all the wrong places or too sharp and pinching, as if a chicken was walking barefoot across your back.

A few nights ago we were preparing the bath. G, clad only in a diaper, was sitting on B’s lap and I was filling the tub. I looked over to see B, with his adult male hands, attempting to give G a back rub. The whole time B was “lovingly” massaging his son’s shoulders, G was wincing, trying to pull away, saying, “No Dada! WHHHYYYYYY? Why Dada?”

Just another reminder that it might be time to take a massage class. It would be so nice to know that we could ask for a back rub if we wanted one.

Peanut butter jelly time!

2009-03-09T12:39:00.010-04:00

When G came into the world 21 months ago, we found turning daily activities and conversations into songs made everything go a little smoother. G likes singing and dancing and when both are involved, he is more apt to go along with any suggestion.

A few months ago, while making a peanut butter jelly sandwich for G at my parent’s house, my sister started singing a song that has since become a family favorite. It’s one of those songs that stick in your head and seep into everything you do. We are constantly changing the words so we can sing the song in the context of whatever we are doing at the time.

Initially, we didn’t know all the lyrics to the song and my sister couldn’t remember where she heard it, so we went to Google for some answers. As soon as B typed the refrain and hit return we had tons of YouTube videos to choose from. Apparently, it’s popular enough to have many spoofs, including one from The Family Guy.

Here is the original video:

G enjoys the dance immensely and has taken to noticing references to it almost everywhere.

The stuffed Goofy that came in my husband's box of Fruit Loops and P.D. Eastman's, Are You My Mother?.

What do you have stuck in your head lately?

How bad do you want it?

2009-03-06T13:23:00.006-05:00

This post is a response to Secret # 9 in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 9: Transcending Rejection and Roadblocks

At this point in my life and my artistic career, I know myself pretty well. I know that when I set my mind to do something, it most likely will not be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. That has been my experience anyways. And, I have found that I do not appreciate or really enjoy the easy things nearly as much as the things that have been hard.

It took six years, many adventures, numerous differences of opinion, joyous times and uncertain sad times, for me to realize wholeheartedly, without a doubt that B is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I chose him. He chose me. And we know that with all good things there is work to do. Maintenance that we must attend to, to keep our relationship functioning at it’s best. There will be more roadblocks but we are ready for them.

Fully embracing my life as an artist took a similar if not longer path into being. There was much inner questioning, heartache, rejection, fear of paying the bills and general insecurity. But, with the support of my best friends and family, I get closer every day to being the person I always wanted to be.

Currently, I struggle with how to maintain my artistic pursuits while being a mother. This is one of my greatest and most challenging roadblocks to date, mainly because it is so important for me to be my best, at both.

Somewhere along the way, I adopted the following mottos to help me push through the roadblocks.

If it were EASY everyone would do it.

and

Rejection is just another way of asking, “How bad do you really want this and what are you willing to do to get it?”

A little goes a long way

2009-03-05T14:59:00.003-05:00

I have gotten into the habit of applying brownish black L’Oreal eyeliner to my lower lashline before I feel comfortable leaving the house. It makes me feel a bit more “put together.” I think it emphasizes my eyes and makes me look more awake.

Even though I am a 3/5 time stay-at-home Mom, on the days I’m home with G I’d like to look like I didn’t JUST roll out of bed and throw on some clothes. You know, I put on some eyeliner, too.

This morning, after my shower, when I usually apply the eyeliner, I remembered that I put it in my “school bag” yesterday, in case I needed to reapply during one of my 12 hours away from the house. I teach on Wednesday’s and yesterday was a particularly long day.

So, I finished getting ready, G woke up and we went downstairs for breakfast.

I put him in his high chair, gave him his bottle and headed for my bag. I took out the liner, started to apply it and G needed something. I placed in on a chair and attended to his need.

Thirty minutes later, G was done eating and out of his high chair. I was cleaning dishes and suddenly noticed there was no sound coming from the next room. G was in there hanging out and I, conveniently for him, had left the liner on a chair, at toddler height.

I found him sitting on the rug, which happens to be brown, with the pencil liner in his right hand and brown streaks covering the entire palm of his left hand.

“It’s ALL OVER me,” he said somewhat questioningly.

“Yes. That will happen when you RUB IT ALL OVER yourself,” I thought to myself, as I took the liner from his clenched right hand.

And before I could say anything he asked, “What happened?” in the cutest little 21 month-old voice that ever was.

First days

2009-03-04T13:26:00.005-05:00

Today is G's first day at his new daycare.

He was so excited. I was very nervous.

We spent an hour there on Friday to get him used to the kids, the environment and his new teacher. So this morning when I said, "Do you want to go to school?" He knew exactly what I was talking about and started naming everyone he could remember. And then, when I bent down to kiss him as I was going to leave, he turned away to go find the fire engine.

His first day seems to have been much harder on me.

The little things

2009-03-03T13:11:00.003-05:00

Feeling 95% better than yesterday.

B went to work and G and I decided to take it easy today and just hang around the house. I should say, I decide to hang around the house, because every 20 minutes G tried to convince me that we should do otherwise.

With his almost perfect technique, (Combine a tiny smirk, unrelenting eye contact, compulsive nodding and repeated stating of request followed by an incessant, “Yeah? Yeah?”) he ran through many options.

“Library? Mia’s house? Children’s Museum? Gym? Yeah? Yeah?”

I have to give him credit for trying.

Since we did not go out, as we usually do on Tuesday mornings, we had time to fold a bit of the laundry that had piled up from the weekend. As I folded, G entertained himself by trying on the soon to be folded clothes. On and off, each item went until he got to a certain article that he could not get enough of.

“Beautiful pants. Beautiful pants.” I hear him saying, and look over to see him struggling to get both legs into his father’s navy blue boxer briefs.

Beautiful, huh? I’ve always thought it nice when people find beauty in the little things, but this makes me wonder about the definition of little.

"Classic puke and rally."

2009-03-02T15:18:00.002-05:00

Curled in the fetal position on the couch, I’m on the Internet only because I can’t sleep and I’ve always found daytime television depressing. I need something to distract me from how achy, nauseous and feverish I feel.

The weekend started out just fine, turned slightly nasty, seemed to be okay and ended in despair.

Saturday
4am: B woke up to catch the Ski Trip bus at the school where he is an Assistant Principal.

7am: I wake up, shower, eat and get ready for our trip to my sister’s for Game Night.

7:45am: G wakes up.

12pm: All packed, G and I get in the car to go.

1:30pm: 10 minutes away from my sister’s house I hear coughing, look in the rear view mirror and see at least a 1/2 gallon of yellowish, green puke pouring out of G’s mouth.

Stunned, neither of us says a word for about 30 seconds. Then G mutters, “Throw up? I puked!”

Trying to reassure him I say softly, “I know sweetie, it’s alright. We’ll be there soon and Mama will clean it up.”

I call my sister to tell her the situation. “What do you need us to do?” she asks.

“Just get the tub ready.”

I pull in her driveway, park and am met by her amazing husband, who helps me get G out of the car seat, who is crying now, repeating the same sentence over and over. “I puked. Mama will clean it. Mama will clean it.”

I/we DO clean it and after a bath and a new set of clothes, he seems fine, back to normal. Was it carsickness? A fluke gag reflex? We assume everything is fine.

4:30pm: Everyone shows up for Game Night and G is psyched. Playing like everything is just grand.

5:30pm: G pukes on my sister’s rug in the living room and a piece of Grace’s Thomas the Train wooden track.

We wash him up again and he dances around with joy.

“Classic puke and rally,” Greg says.

Still hoping it is just a gag reflex and not a contagious stomach bug,

G is fine for the remainder of the party and sleeps through the night.

Sunday
Morning: We all wake up, have a nice breakfast and leave for our respective homes.

Afternoon and evening: Uneventful

Monday
7am: Wake up to nausea and aches. It turns out to be diarrhea, that lasts all morning,

10am: My sister calls to say she’s been in the bathroom all morning with diarrhea and vomiting.

10:30am I call my parents, who were there as well, and find out my mother has been stricken with it too.

11am: I call my other sister to find out that at least she feels relatively fine.

I feel so bad, even though I know there’s nothing I could have done. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up to Spring-time health for everyone.

Silver lining: We got 7 inches of snow, so school was canceled and B is home to help.

Messy, but worth it

2009-02-27T06:52:00.010-05:00

This post is a response to Secret # 8 in the 12 Secrets book club run by Jamie Ridler.

Secret 8: Selecting Empowering Partnerships & Alliances

Engagement on the roof of our old San Francisco apartment

At the beginning of this chapter, Gail suggests we ask ourselves a series of questions regarding knowing ones self, in order to choose successful partnerships. This reminded me of my undergraduate studies in Business Administration. We took many surveys, personality tests and Myers Briggs type psychological questionnaires to find out where we should direct our focus/job search in the corporate world. They were interesting but mostly left me feeling more confused.

I am much more of a gut feeling decision maker rather than a logical, statistic driven one. Plus, I don’t know how much I trust those tests. I think you can swing them to get the results you want to hear, without even knowing you are doing it.

A few thoughts as a result of reading this chapter:

The most empowering partnership I have chosen to embark on is with my husband. We started dating 11 1/2 years ago, got married almost 5 years ago and have been supporting each other to achieve our individual and shared dreams ever since.
My family has always been and continues to be my greatest alliance. They have seen me through everything and helped push me to achieve goals I didn’t even know I had. Their collective ability to listen, challenge, love and motivate is something I deeply cherish and rely on.
To really get to know your self and be honest about your strengths and weaknesses is one of the keys to being successful.
We can accomplish more with the help and input of others than we can alone.
True partnership is hard and messy at times, but ultimately, so worth it.